In this go-go-go twenty-four hour news cycle, one cannot simply be “the Delta variant” (nearly dead flight attendant; bloody Biscoff crackers falling out your bra) or even the cult leader with the tall tall hair from The Way Down for Halloween. By the time your props arrive, the country’s already moved on. And if you go as anything old timey, people will simply assume you are Ruth Bader Ginsberg (once once of us was Virginia Woolf after she walked into a river but everyone thought she was the Supreme Court Justice because they couldn’t see the rocks in her pocket).
There was a tweet about this very quandary that made us laugh.
b0pe! Hahaha. Anyway, to help you all out, we have some pretty good, brand new ideas now that we’re less than a week from Halloween. We’ve divided them into “Spooky” and “Sexy,” with full understanding that taste and attractiveness are highly subjective.
SPOOKY
- Kyrsten Sinema’s carpal tunnel syndrome wrist guard
- You and your boyfriend P. you won’t stop yammering on about online
- Discontinued Mac touch bar, burning in hell, and now with a vengeance
- Salmonella-laden raw red onions settling nicely into a dumpster
- Cousin Greg wearing two Pfizer-branded jackets he won on eBay to impress a woman (woman run over by a car after saying “Run me over with your car, Cousin Greg” would also work)
- Stringy haunted hair at the Playboy mansion
- Matt Damon using the F slur
- Fashion noose
- Fake Dear Prudence letter
- The five roles K-Stew said she did a good job on (the Twilight series)
- Thomas Chatterton Williams making $150,000 a year for 6 articles at The Atlantic
- A publicist submitting a blind item about their client being a good tipper to DeuxMoi
- John Mulaney and Olivia Munn amicably coparenting
- Rahm Emanuel doing diplomatic work in Tartarus
- The Robin Williams “test footage”
- Jojo Siwa (of DWTSR:OJSP:PART 3: JOJO AS PENNYWISE fame) as Pennywise
SEXY
- The Shrek filter
- Kyrsten Sinema’s bionic leg
- Meghan McCain dressed as Erika Jayne
- Supply chain issues
- Matt Damon’s refusal that he ever used the F slur
- All the words our editor-in-chief Leah told us we weren’t allowed to say anymore that we miss so dearly
- A dirt nap
- A bunch of people under the age of 30 not talking
- George’s forbidden treat
- A giant check to the IDF from Mayim Bialik
- Eric Clapton making this face
- That hot Dune worm
- Rep. Steve Scalise’s dick
- President Bill Clinton’s dick
- Ken of Ken’s Salad Dressing
- Joe in his stupid little Apron from You
- Jojo Siwa as a hot little nutcracker
- Peter Thiel
