Coming at us live from her stick palace in Scotland where she’s riding out the summer heat wave as London continues to crumble amid Boris Johnson’s seventh honeymoon in one month, Queen Mother Jr. has a message for ungrateful twats Harry and Meghan. In the words of her favorite Tory popstar Ginger Spice, “Who do you think you are?”
As the Marvelous Markle Twins begin their international stadium tour of celebrating and promoting “causes” (if you have to ask which ones, you’re part of the problem), “insiders are grumbling that Harry and Meghan are apparently positioning themselves as quasi-royals by undertaking charitable engagements in the style of the institution,” according to The Daily Beast. They seem to want all the glamour of their past lives (going to events) without any of the responsibilities (making conversation with some Mr. Magoo-looking motherfucker who keeps saying “the Orient”), and that simply won’t do. It simply won’t do at all.
It appears the Traditionalist Tracys across the pond, who are stuck in the frickin’ 1500s, don’t appreciate the entrepreneurial spirit that makes America great — anyone can be a royal here, no matter what some crusty old brooch-thumping horse girl says! Lilibet Senior, for her part, could power all of Balmoral Castle with her resentment (sustainable!). “It’s a calculated provocation on their part,” former Sun royal editor Duncan Larcombe told the Daily Beast about the Montecito Mamacitas’ big trip. “They are seriously pushing their luck and risking the wrath of the queen.”
The Queen denies such rumors while maintaining her official stance that “things are soooo busy right now with everything going on, but let’s check back in end of Q4” when it comes to having Harry and Meghan over for watered-down earl grey and store-bought non-organic crumpets. A source told the Daily Beast that early September is out of the question for Miss Queen, saying, “There is formal work to be undertaken that week and some things cannot be moved.” We’re starting to sense a pattern.