Introducing Rita Waititi-Ora


LONDON, ENGLAND - JULY 05: (L-R) Rita Ora and Taika Waititi attend the UK Gala screening of "Thor: L...
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Thor: Love and Matrimony

Taika Waititi and Rita Ora are always looking for a round of applause, but today one is actually in order. The lovebirds have finally tied the knot after dating for a year and being engaged for two months. If you want to send a gift, just send it to “Rita Ora, London, England,” Ora knows every single person in London and I’m sure it will get to them eventually.

The Sun was the first to break the news, with one source telling them that it was “a really intimate ceremony and super special for everyone there.” This source is being too respectful of the couple’s privacy (pronounced PRIV-a-see) for my liking, as I have at least 23 more questions: Did she sing? Did he give a toast that was a little too cheeky? Where was it? Were his kids there? What about Tessa Thompson (eyes emoji)? Did Ora’s wedding dress put on a busty display? Or did she decide to showcase her washboard abs instead?

It seems the two have been able to keep mum about this for a few days, as Waititi was seen wearing a wedding ring last week. But now they’ve decided it’s fine for the world to know, and our trusty source has the few deets the couple was willing to let be printed.

“Despite living in the spotlight, Rita is determined to keep the relationship as private as possible and didn’t want to make a big song and dance about the wedding,” the source said. “A big, showbiz-style bash is planned to celebrate, but don’t expect to see it being flogged to the highest-bidding magazine.”

Do you smell that? It’s kind of funky and unpleasant and… oh, right, it’s bullshit. When these two have their big lavish party, we’re going to see every angle of it. If not in the pages of People (classy) then on the Instagram stories of Ora’s pals, a.k.a. the number one online destination for the most random half-famous people in all of the United Kingdom.

My sincere congratulations to the happy couple. You know that their love is real and strong because the “I Will Never Let You Down” singer changed her name to Rita Waititi-Ora, which does not sound good and in fact sounds like a diction warm-up for theater majors.