Regular Food Review: Frozen Burrito

Hot and cold disgrace

Frozen burrito leaking filling on a plate.
Jenny G. Zhang
Nuke It
Regular Food Reviews

One of mankind’s greatest mistakes is the frozen burrito. Hubris and laziness, those twin vices, led us here. How easy, how convenient, it would be to pop a neat little tortilla-wrapped bundle into the microwave and receive a hot lunch two minutes later, the creators must have foolishly believed. But the microwaved burrito, in spite of all possible best efforts, inevitably ends up bursting and molten, or still cold and stiff, or somehow both simultaneously. Heating it in the oven — the other suggested preparation method — takes more time than making a simple meal from scratch, and besides which, the results are always hardened and dry. This is what the makers have wrought upon the world.

Despite full knowledge of these facts, I continue to undertake the doomed challenge of heating frozen burritos. A recent attempt ended with the bean-and-cheese filling leaking from both ends of the burrito, like guts spilling from a disemboweled corpse. I ate it, enraged, and burned my tongue on the paltry remains inside. This was the brand Red’s, by the way, but that bears little significance — all frozen burritos, regardless of their provenance, invite the same disappointment. Fool me twice, shame on me. 2/5 stars.