People Shitting Their Pants From Lucky Charms Cannot Stop Eating Lucky Charms

Just one more bowl to make sure...

SAN ANSELMO, CALIFORNIA - APRIL 18: In this photo illustration, a bowl of General Mills Lucky Charms...
Justin Sullivan/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Allie Jones
Life's Rich Pageant

Earlier today, The New York Times reported on a mysterious illness sweeping the nation that appears to be linked to the leprechaun-themed breakfast cereal Lucky Charms. As a fan of these “magically delicious” marshmallow bites, I was alarmed. Should I throw my box out? I wondered. What, exactly, is making so many people sick?

It turns out that the majority of reports of Lucky-Charms-related illness have surfaced on the website Over 3,000 brave Americans from Pembroke Pines, Florida, to Grand Forks, North Dakota, have reported bouts of nausea, diarrhea, and general stomach upset after eating bowls of Lucky Charms. And in many cases, these people are very confident that Lucky Charms are the culprit, because they continued to eat bowl after bowl just to make sure.

Here’s a report from a Charms-head in New York, New York: “Experienced stomach pain and diarrhea after one bowl of lucky charms. Tried it 2 more times to see if it was actually the cereal, and had the same symptoms.”

Case closed? Let’s check in with another affected family from Defiance, OH. “Nausea, vomiting, diarrhea and horrible belching with an awful taste, almost chemical,” wrote one concerned mom of her experience after eating the cereal. “Household of 4 all experienced the same thing. 2 people had the illness at least three times each. The other 2 had it twice. The symptoms hit very fast and violently and passed In about 24 hours. I have never felt so miserable in my life. I have the lucky charms box and there is still a little cereal inside.”

Looks like there’s another bowl or two in there for anyone who wants it!

Another mom from Bedford, Texas, reported that her son has been eating Lucky Charms every day for months, and coincidentally feeling sick every day also: “For the past few months pretty frequently , Not sure but my 7 year old has been getting nauseous in the AM, it’s alway in the morning and after eating lucky charms for breakfast We’ve gone through therapeutics for GERD, lactose intolerance but nothing is helping.”

The most alarming report, however, comes from an individual in Clovis, California. This person wrote, “Bought two pack lucky charms in here, ate it with coffee creamer instead of milk cause I like the creamer sweetness, shortly after eating the lucky charms I started feeling nauseous and after a while the diarrhea kicked in, never had an issue like this with previous purchase of lucky charms.”

Hmm. It is very suspicious that this person, who ate two boxes of Lucky Charms with coffee creamer instead of milk, felt sick afterward. Maybe they should try that combination one more time to confirm. In the meantime, I will be praying for everyone on