Michael Peterson Thinks Colin Firth Is a Dumpy Dullard

And you know what? He’s not totally wrong.

WhatsUp / Netflix
Get His Ass

When Michael Peterson was convicted of murdering his wife Kathleen in 2003, he knew there was going to be a movie about it. A French documentary crew had been following him around for over a year at that point, so he would be the star. What Peterson didn’t know was that 19 years later, that documentary, which turned into a documentary series — The Staircase — would be adapted into a critically acclaimed HBO Max fictionalized miniseries starring Colin Firth. And that is what he takes offense to.

In an interview with Variety, Peterson shared his thoughts about the show, which he understandably has not watched.

“I will forever be known as Colin Firth. It could be worse, I suppose. He’s not my favorite actor. Get Brad Pitt,” Peterson said. “To me, Colin’s a great actor but I can’t think of any roles that weren’t dull as dirt that he’s ever played and that’s fine.” Honestly, fair. Firth isn’t exactly known for being an energetic ray of sunshine; his is a more muted, bumbling charm. That’s the whole point of Bridget Jones’s Diary.

I still contend that the best actor for the job was Greg Kinnear, who looks a lot like Peterson and could have gotten that whole exuberant, gregarious thing right. But they refuse to let me into the rooms where those decisions are made, so I, like Peterson, am forced to rant about it on the internet instead.

Peterson also said that he thinks the notorious “Owl Theory” — one that supposes an owl attacked his wife and led to her death — is plausible. “When [a neighbor] Larry told me about an owl, I thought, ‘What in the world,’” Peterson told the magazine. “But then he sent the pictures of the autopsy with the owl talons superimposed over and I thought, “‘Oh my god.’ It’s a real possibility.” Crazier things have happened, like Colin Firth eating Toni Collette’s ass on streaming television.