Ladies, Bill Gates Is Back on the Market

Watch out ladies, Bill Gates is back on the market poorer, divorced, and probably still really weird. The Microsoft founder and his ex-wife Melinda finalized their divorce Monday after announcing their separation in May. Melinda, a genius with a vision, did not sign a prenuptial agreement and will likely emerge with roughly half of Gates’s $131 billion fortune.

The exact details of who’s getting what are not immediately clear, as the former couple signed a “separation contract” that was not filed in court. However, if we assume they’re going to split Bill’s wealth down the middle, each of them will emerge with $61.5 billion. That will take Bill out of the top ten richest people on the planet, but immediately shoot Melinda to the top five richest women in the world.

Moving on. Being a billionaire’s second wife is a dream job, but not one for which we were all cut out. If you want to be Bill’s next wife, here are a few things you can do to increase your odds.

Start Learning What Happens on a Farm

Bill and Melinda were America’s top farmland owners as of 2020, so it might behoove you to have a couple talking points about farms up your sleeve when Bill takes you out on your first date. Maybe talk about how beautiful rolling fields of wheat are, or the magic of seeing a foal being born. I doubt he has ever done any work on his farms, but he will be impressed with your quaint, pastoral knowledge.

Get Into Old Ass Art

Do not bring up anything made within the last century, but do brush up on Winslow Homer’s many portraits of men at sea. Bill owns one of those, and is probably into all other kinds of dad art. Paintings of landscapes, men on horses, portraits of women who look uncomfortable, that kind of thing. Again, do not bring up anything that even comes close to being contemporary. If you want to play it extra safe, you can tell him you think Kaws is a hack. He will not know what you’re talking about, but he will know you have thoughts on art, and he’ll love that.

Have Zero Opinion About Jeffrey Epstein

Bill’s friendly relationship with the late pedophile is said to be what finally drove Melinda to a divorce. If anything even close to Epstein comes up (islands, Manhattan mansions, flight logs), change the conversation immediately. If anyone ever mentions him directly, pretend you have no idea who he is. Bill will appreciate a woman who isn’t going to judge him for being chummy with a sexual predator.

Armed with my tips and your own winning personality, you are all set to bag a billionaire. If Grimes can do it, you can too. So girlies, pack your bags and buy a one-way ticket to Seattle because your dream man is out there waiting for you.