Zero Dark Thirty? More like Zero Dark You are Thirty and time to throw away the tiny bitch guitar.

Happy young man is playing ukulele guitar and singing on the sofa at home
send in the troops

Recently, President Joe Biden announced that American troops would exit Afghanistan. This is complicated geopolitical news and I do not wish to express my opinion on it publicly. But I do have a new job for the troops: to destroy all the ukuleles in America.

According to a recent press release from Guitar Center relayed on Twitter by Washington Post reporter Abha Bhattarai, “Guitar Center sold 250,000 ukuleles in the first six months of the year, an increase of 15 percent compared to the same time last year.”

This is dire news. Here is why, in second-person scenario format.

Imagine you’re newly dating someone. Maybe you met on Hinge, or Lox Club, if you’re looking for a Jewish friend. You invite him (in my case) to a picnic in Prospect Park. He arrives, on time, looking handsome enough. He has a backpack. He opens the backpack. Your heart beats. He brought snacks! I hope they’re the little schoolboy cookies... But no. He didn’t bring the little schoolboy cookies. He brought...... a ukulele.

Now imagine this has happened to you more than once. Maybe even three separate times. You might say it’s a “me” problem but no — it’s a ukulele problem.

Listen, it’s one thing to be a person who plays acoustic guitar. You’re with a person, maybe a lover, who plays acoustic guitar and they pick up the guitar and start playing it thinking they’re being all romantic and what? You have to listen to them play acoustic guitar? And it’s probably bad because they just do it for “fun”? And they have a gross long fingernail for playing “classical guitar”? If I have to listen to a man play acoustic guitar he should have to listen to me type blog posts. But anyway. A ukulele, well. Now you have an acoustic guitar that fits in a small bag. This is so much more dangerous than an acoustic guitar. It is a threat to national peace. It is a portable form of aural terrorism.

All said, however, this is still really beautiful. RIP IZ, the only man who allowed to play ukulele. Unfortunately no one else can do it now, and all other ukuleles must be destroyed, as decreed by Joe Biden.