In Memoriam: These Viral Dogs Will Die One Day

I’ll miss them all. But some more than others

Back view of dog talking to dog friends in video conference. Group of dogs having an online meeting ...
Parasocial Relationships

Dogs and cats are perfect creatures, flawed in only one way: they inevitably die, often much sooner than you would prefer. Even internet-famous pets, the Grumpy Cats and Boo the pomeranians of the world, eventually meet their end. I’ve loved and I’ve lost several animal companions — one my own childhood dog, the rest my dear viral furry friends — but the fear of death never gets easier. However, if I’m being honest, some of my favorite internet pets are better than others. I will now rate my most-loved online dogs and cats accordingly, on the basis of how much I’ll mourn them when they depart this coil.

Sunny is a mame shiba inu who lives in Nagoya, Japan. She is not only the cutest dog in the world, she’s also a canine genius who can do tricks on command, like spinning around, ringing a bell, and knocking over objects with her paws whenever her owner — known as “Mama” — says, “Sunny, punch!” She has smiley eyes and very expressive ears. She loves it when people, including strangers, pet her, which gives me hope that she will behave positively towards me should I ever get the chance to meet her. She is my favorite girl; I’ll be 10/10 sad when she dies.

Mogu is another shiba inu in Japan. Not to be like one of those white guys with an Asian fetish, but I do have a type. What I like and will miss about Mogu when she dies is how good of a dog sister she is to two human children. See how she presses herself against this baby until they fit perfectly together like a game of interspecies Tetris in this video? There’s truly no love greater than the one between a dog and a baby, unless it’s between a dog and someone who follows her on Instagram. I’ll be 8/10 sad when Mogu dies.

Astrology bitches (I’m referring to female dogs) got nothing on Patrick the prophetic puss. Someday in the future I’ll 7/10 miss his purr, his unstoppable urge to chomp, his sibylline powers — but as for when that day will come, you tell me, Patrick…

Shila and Edie.

I have a complicated relationship with these pomeranians Shila and Edie. On the one hand, I like the frisky little rascals’ hijinks, such as peeing in the house and barking at the vacuum cleaner. On the other hand, I’m often jealous of the life they lead, which appears to be one of pure privilege and luxury(?) in Turkey(?). On the third hand, shouldn’t I feel happy for any doggy fortunate enough to live happily and comfortably, rather than in circumstances of neglect and abuse? This is gonna be a 6/10 for me.

Who is this dog? When did I follow her? Nothing against Fiona, she seems like a great gal, but I think I’ll only be 5/10 sad when she dies.

I was led to understand that this dog haunts the dank corridors of the New York City subway, appearing in times of need to grace despairing straphangers with a smile and some light drool. I’m still waiting for our encounter. If that never comes, I’ll be 4/10 sad out of spite when she dies; but if we do meet, I’ll engage in 9/10 full mourning upon her death. You have 10 days to respond, Maxine.

Have you ever heard such a vibrato of pure milk and honey? I fall asleep to that meow, I dream of it, I wake up with its pitch still ringing in my ears. When this cat dies, the world will fall silent… and me along with it. 10/10.