If Gawker Was 'Yellowjackets,' Would We Eat Each Other?

As is the case with 90 percent of television shows now, Yellowjackets is about trauma. Unlike lots of other shows though, the central trauma is not tied to a dead parent or sexual abuse, but rather to the fact that its main characters, the members of a champion girls soccer team who survived a plane crash in the Canadian wilderness, presumably had to eat the rest of their team while stranded in the woods for over a year.

The show goes back and forth in time, showing both the girls trying to survive in the wilderness and the current lives of the four adult women who made it out alive. The adult women never say that they had their teammates for lunch, preferring instead to vaguely allude to “what we did out there,” but we all know what happened. Yellowjackets has everything it needs to be a great TV show, namely a compelling mystery and Melanie Lynskey, but one thing that keeps me engaged is wondering what I would do in that situation.

Since I can’t keep a single thought to myself, I asked my esteemed colleagues what they thought would happen if we — the staff of Gawker — were all in a Yellowjackets-style plane crash, perhaps on our way to cover Jojo Siwa’s wedding. Would we eat each other? Would any of us have enough will to live to even try? Here’s what everyone had to say, with one or two light spoilers.

Kelly Conaboy, Senior Features Writer

I think Hollywood tends to overestimate the amount of people who would want to attempt survival in a hopeless disaster scenario. A lot of people I know barely want to live right now and all they do all day is go on their computers and eat snacks. I include myself in that group. I have no survival instinct and would off myself in whatever was the most convenient way. Then you guys could eat me, that would be fine.

George Civeris, Senior Editor

I think if either Jack or I ate everyone else, that would be toxic masculinity.

Brandy Jensen, Features Editor

I would volunteer to be eaten. I have no interest in surviving under those conditions so once my Juul pods run out, have at it.

Claire Carusillo, Contributing Writer

I don't fly well, so I'd be Xanaxed out of my mind to begin. I'd probably survive better on impact because the sedative would have slowed my reaction times, and I wouldn’t tense up. That would give me an advantage. I would not kill myself, but I also wouldn't eat my coworkers. I can't guarantee I'd be all that nice or charming, but I can't see me having what it takes to gnaw on their brains. They had such beautiful minds....what a shame.

Leah Finnegan, Editor-in-Chief

No, I would make a bed of pine needles and waste away on it.

Olivia Craighead, Staff Writer

I think my coworkers are underestimating how much we’d actually want to survive if we were stranded in the woods for many, many months. I would definitely end up eating them, but I wouldn’t be happy about it; I think that makes me the Nat of the group.

Tarpley Hitt, Staff Writer

I don't think I would, but I wouldn't want to be eaten either. I read somewhere that if you died alone in your apartment, it would take one week before your dog ate you and he would go for the ass. I could see something like that happening, but not to or by me. I haven't seen the show, and in my head it's the same as Yellowstone, but there's got to be some plants or rabbits. But the cannibal would be Jack.

Jenny Zhang, Staff Writer

I would not eat my coworkers. I would blow myself up in a plane like Laura Lee to end my suffering and to make sure none of my coworkers can eat me, either. Sorry.

Jack Koloskus, Art Director

It depends on the timeline. Not immediately but if we're talking a year plus then yes. I wouldn't actively kill anyone or anything, but if someone was volunteering (I have heard Brandy volunteer to die first in post-apocalyptic situations multiple times in the years I have known her so I'm assuming there will be volunteers) I suppose I would. But also I believe in us, I think we could really pull through if we work together... I personally have watched at least 4 episodes of the hit History Channel reality TV show Alone, so I am fully confident I could build us a house made out of stone and kill a bear with a small knife for meat. So maybe I would be the first to die and everyone can eat me. Also I feel like Darcie would be really good at scavenging. Really I think it wouldn't be so bad and mostly we would make it.

Jocelyn Silver, Managing Editor

I'd eat any of you if there was chili oil. But I feel like you'd probably eat me first. I am the weakest link.

Darcie Wilder, Senior Social Media Editor

Well now that the premise of Yellowjackets has been RUINED for me… (JK IDC) I might be the only vegan at Gawker, but we are not a monolith (most are extremely annoying). I am vegan for animals (not health bullshit like Eric Adams, who is a poser vegan) and because meat, etc. is disgusting to me. I don’t think I could bring myself to eat human flesh simply because it is revolting. I feel like I would accept death sooner than I would accept human flesh. My wishes with my body are more complicated. I love all of my coworkers and want you all to survive. But despite these personal relationships, we are still a part of a species that has ruined the earth as well as billions of animals’ individual lives. I feel like it is my duty to donate my body to animals (this is something I have considered in my normal life already). Thus my conundrum is: do I want my physical form converted to nourishment for my peers and colleagues, who I believe bring joy and goodwill to the world? Or do I give the animals a break, wherever we might be. They have been through so much, and they are so cute. I could make life easier for a bear or whatever. I would prefer a smaller animal so my nourishment could be stretched: a family of possums, raccoons, skunks, or owls. But if timing allows, perhaps I could donate my body to a bear, who would then use my calories to live his bear life before all you coworkers kill him for food, I can’t stop you. I suppose that, in that scenario, you all get to eat and I donate my body to the animals. In the event the plane has condiments, I would simply survive on condiments, and perhaps attempt to boil and cook some acorns, which I’ve heard are quite nutritious. I feel like the smallest bodies on Gawker staff would be easier to keep alive, but that all gives off eugenics vibes, so I don’t think that’s a good way to organize survival. I think we problem-solve quite well and get along, so I’m sure we can figure something out that appeases everyone. Finally, I cannot wait to hear what Claire’s Gawker pitches would be if we were stranded in the woods. I apologize for the length of this answer, but we cannot control our passions.