Finally, a Win for Muslims (the War on Christmas)

Horrifying news: In a White House briefing today, Biden Press Secretary Jen Psaki said the administration could not guarantee that holiday packages would arrive on time.

For months, we have been inundated with such talk about the “supply chain issues,” which means nothing to me except, “will I get this pair of shoes on time?” Evidently, for a certain population (Americans), this means many alarming news articles about “holiday shopping.” The supply chain is THREATENING holiday wishlists, the supply chain is going to make Christmas 2021 an EXPENSIVE REVENGE holiday, and people should have started shopping as early as September to make sure Santa brings your kid a gift on time.

But back to me. I think this is a great development. You see, I am a Muslim and I do not celebrate Christmas; never have, never will. Christmas is a write-off that barely counts as a day when you don’t celebrate it. I usually spend it with another person who doesn’t celebrate, and we try to find restaurants that are open for takeout. In fact, I find the idea of celebrating the birth of Jesus to be offensive, which is why I am pro War on Christmas. For years, I have been praying that Christmas would be disrupted (especially for Americans), and my prayers have been answered. I’m sick of having to spend nearly two months in the orbit of Christmas, of walking into stores and hearing the worst music, of how everything is ginger flavored, and of people saying “Merry Christmas” to me.

So, I am rejoicing. If there’s one thing I learned from reading Little Women it’s that Christmas is not Christmas without gifts, and I think this is fine. What will people do now that their kids won’t get their gender-neutral Legos or whatever? Talk to each other and be grateful they’ve survived the last two years? I guess that’s the price you pay for worshipping a man. Muslims triumph once again, and we deserve it.