How Does Meghan McCain Keep Getting My Dream Jobs?

I want to be her so bad.

WASHINGTON, DC, UNITED STATES - 2019/03/26: Meghan McCain, TV Host and Author, seen speaking during ...
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Not many people would be brave enough to say this, but I am insanely jealous of Meghan McCain. Not only is she rich and B-list famous, but she keeps getting the best jobs in both entertainment and media.

Today the famous daddy’s girl announced that she will be starting a new role as a columnist at later in the month. The same Daily Mail that gives me all the best gossip, all the best celebrity outfits, all the best scoops about members of the British monarchy whose names are like, Eggbert and Chrysanthemia. I am green with envy.

Daily Mail publisher and editor-in-chief Martin Clarke said that McCain’s column “will be a space for her to have her uncensored say on the news of the day whether it be political, breaking news, showbiz or issues based.” Based on that description, Meghan and I basically have the same job, although she will only have to do it once a week and I am out here grinding every single day. Which one of us do you think is more qualified to crank out takes for an online publication? It’s just not fair.

I don’t think that McCain and I share many similar beliefs, but when she said that she has "been an avid reader of the [Daily Mail] website for many years and have been impressed by its global influence and reach,” I saw myself in her. I would quit this job in two seconds if I could be the person writing about how different female celebrities are “wowing” in whatever outfit they’ve chosen to wear that day.

Speaking of leaving jobs, McCain’s Daily Mail gig comes on the heels of her leaving The View, another one of my dream jobs. I love gabbing with older women and fighting. McCain squandered it, presumably because she couldn’t handle Whoopi Goldberg constantly telling her that she was being a dolt. You know who could handle it? Me. And I am willing to become a hot young conservative voice in order to make it happen.