Future Oscar-Bait Biopic Ideas

The safest bet of all

the replica of the Oscars Award
And the winner is...

The 2022 Oscar nominations are out and full of zero surprises. There’s no especially notable diversity, no shocking twists, and no huge snubs except for Lady Gaga, who got so lost in her character that she is still re-learning the English language — no one tell her. But one commonality unites many of the acting categories: like many previous years, they are dominated by stars of biopics. In the Best Actress category alone, three of the five nominees are being recognized for playing historical figures. Clearly, this is the most surefire way to get a nomination, even if you’re in a film that was less than well received like the Aaron Sorkin fever dream Being the Ricardos. For all entertainment industry bigwigs looking to get in on the awards game in the future, here are some biopic ideas sure to strike gold.

Henry Kissinger

The film should simply be called Kissinger, and it must play the both-sides game. War criminal or hero? No — complicated man. Only half of his face is lit and he is thinking HARD. Directed by Clint Eastwood.

A vehicle for: Any man who loves wearing prosthetics or gaining weight for roles — preferably Christian Bale.

Beto O’Rourke

As a Canadian, I have long moved on from this man, and I’m guessing most Americans are over him as well. He was a huge deal because he is young, can skateboard, and got a Vanity Fair cover story. I also think making a biopic about someone who is currently alive and still doing the thing they are known for (looking concerned on television) is very bold — bold enough to get the attention of the Academy.

A vehicle for: A hot young thing who wants to show he has the range — a Nicholas Braun type.

Eleanor Roosevelt

Again, as a Canadian, Eleanor Roosevelt is someone I mostly know through pop culture. To me, if someone in American politics is known outside of the United States, it means they deserve a biopic. As the longest-serving First Lady who is known for doing so much good in the world I feel she deserves a gritty imagining of her life directed by a white woman. I want to know the real Eleanor Roosevelt.

A vehicle for: Dakota Johnson, who may finally have a chance at proving she belongs on a screen.

Rachel Dolezal

I remember when and where I was when I first heard about Rachel Dolezal. It was one of the best days of my life. A huge complaint about the Oscars is that they are so white, but this would really put that into question. Dolezal is not Black, but has lived a huge portion of her life as a Black woman. So who would play her? A Black woman who can pass for white or a white woman who cannot pass for brown but has to make her skin a bit darker? Now we’re having a conversation! Oscar bait, if you ask me.

A vehicle for: An actress with nothing to lose, in need of a comeback and who craves a real challenge. Lindsay Lohan.

Wendy from Wendy’s

A lot of people might not know that Wendy is a real woman. She is the daughter of Wendy’s creator Dave Thomas. Sounds boring, but that’s what makes a biopic good. This could be about the invisible labor of women or something. To me, she is an inspiration.

A vehicle for: A young former actress trying to play a truly serious role for the first time, Mckenna Grace.

Shari Lewis

Shari Lewis deserves so much more respect in a society where all we do is re-evaluate nostalgic figures from our collective past. The creator of Lamb Chop, she was a trailblazer of children’s entertainment. She was also a redhead, which the Oscars LOVE.

A vehicle for: Alana Haim didn’t get a nomination for Licorice Pizza but maybe she can for this.

This girl 💁‍♀️

There was already an emoji movie, but it was tainted by TJ Miller’s involvement. Now, it is this woman’s time to shine. I want to know her story — women are so often silenced, and it is time for her to speak up.

A vehicle for: Jennifer Lawrence.