'Criminal Minds' Reboot Only Thing Keeping This Country From Falling Apart

I pledge allegiance to the BAU

LOS ANGELES, CA - OCTOBER 19:  (L-R) Kirsten Vangsness, A.J. Cook and Paget Brewster attend the 100t...
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Essential Viewing

Not to brag, but last month the most read post on Gawker.com was one of mine. It was called “Millions of Sickos Still Watching Criminal Minds,” and I’m told that thanks to whatever dark magic is behind the Google algorithm it did incredible numbers. There are two things that could be at work here, either it was the best thing I’ve ever written or the millions of sickos I described in the title need Criminal Minds content the way I need a Diet Coke at 3 p.m.

Luckily for the sickos, Criminal Minds is being revived at Paramount+. The show ended its 15-year run in 2020, and in 2021 it was announced that it would be returning to the streamer. Deadline reports that six cast members — Joe Mantegna, Kirsten Vangsness, Adam Rodriguez, A.J. Cook, Aisha Tyler, and Paget Brewster — are likely to return to the series for a ten-episode season. Sorry to the Matthew Gray Gubler girls, I know you’re hurting right now.

If the 324 original episodes are any indication, ten will not be enough to satiate the fans.

What this country really needs is for Criminal Minds to stay on the air in perpetuity. The final episode aired February 19, 2020, I don’t have to tell you what happened about a month later. I’m not saying that the special agents of the BAU being on television could have prevented the novel coronavirus, I’m just saying that we don’t know that they couldn’t.

I have a lot invested in this revival (which feels more like a return from hiatus, but I digress). I think Criminal Minds might be the only thing that can hold this country together. When it comes back I fully believe that the minimum wage will be increased, COVID will be eradicated, and maybe someone evil will die. Is that a lot to put on a procedural show about gruesome murders? Sure, but some people put that kind of faith in politicians, and when has that ever worked out?