Country Runs Low on Bad Candy

In sad news for children and adults with bad taste, there is a candy cane shortage in this country. According to a new report from CNN, a combination of labor and sugar shortages have resulted in fewer candy canes causing sticky mouths and hands all across America. "We have had to turn away business this year. I wouldn't say that it is 30 percent of the overall business, but we certain probably had to turn away 10 percent of the business," said Andrew Schulman, CEO of the candy company Hammond’s.

You know what they say in the candy business, “If it’s not 30 percent, it’s probably 10.” This is a classic supply and demand issue, with winter holiday non-chocolate sales being up more than 34 percent from last year. Schulman sees this as a good thing, even if he can’t get enough minty canes on the shelf. “Our business has just been on fire. I don't know how to explain it but I hope it doesn't stop because it's good for the people who are buying the candy and taste it and get that yummy feeling and it's great for our employees and for the business,” he told CNN, sounding like if Willy Wonka was having a stroke.

Here is my question to all of you consumers: Why are you buying so many candy canes? They are an awful Christmas treat. They last for too long, their shape makes them difficult to eat, and as I have said already, they make everything sticky! If you want to experience the sweet rush of mint, you can find much more manageable little peppermints sitting in a bowl in lots of places where you buy goods and/or services. Getting a haircut? Peppermint. Eating at a diner? Peppermint. Rifling through your grandmother’s purse at her request so you can find her reading glasses? Peppermint.

If you want a seasonal treat this year, might I recommend gingerbread cookies? Or perhaps some holiday M&Ms? The fact that you all are causing a run on candy canes is embarrassing — unless you’re decorating a gingerbread house and are using them as fencing. That’s allowed.