12 Days of Gift Guides: Gifts From the Conscientious Objector

I missed the pitch meeting where my fellow employees decided what gift guides they were gonna write, and my coworkers are very lucky. Because if I had been there, I would have screamed and cried — I am one of just two people at my workplace who does not observe Christmas, and for a brief moment in October, I believed I was winning the war against this holiday. Unfortunately, Christianity wins this round.

I have never bought anyone a Christmas gift, nor will I ever (I don’t see you people out here buying me Eid gifts, or even knowing what Eid is.) However, I do understand that right now is a time when many people feel an obligation to exchange gifts to be polite, or because they have to at work or whatever. That could not be me, but I empathize. Still, you don’t have to put in a ton of effort, or even spend a lot of money, to give people very unfestive gifts. I don’t really know what people get one another for Christmas, despite having worked many retail holiday seasons. So these are things that are just fine for the conscientious Christmas objector.

SOMETHING EXPENSIVE YOU ALREADY OWN AND HAS NOT BEEN REALLY TOUCHED

This is essentially regifting, but there are some workarounds. Recently, a movie studio sent me several boxes of promotional material. A few of these were giant, expensive coffee table books that retail for nearly $200. I’m certain everyone has one kind of expensive thing they don’t touch and don’t care to sell. This is your opportunity.

THIS A24 HORROR COOKBOOK

This is genuinely a good gift, especially for someone who wants to be cool-adjacent. It’s a recipe book from A24 that features recipes and essays that all look kind of disgusting. Definitely not in the Christmas spirit.

DONATE TO A CHARITY IN THEIR NAME

This is the ultimate Christmas “gotcha.” Everyone wants a gift, but the season is for giving. So why not donate to a charity that aligns with your own beliefs in someone else’s name. What are they going to do? Yell at you?

WATERPIK WATER FLOSSER

I think this would be a nice thing to buy for someone on Christmas because it seems like something only a mother would buy her child, or that old people buy for themselves. Seems very unsexy, but useful. It’s important to remove bacteria in those tiny mouth spaces.

SUBWAY GIFT CARD

Twice a year, I have an intense craving for Subway. I asked some of my friends, and they agreed that they get them too, which is enough for me to believe that this would be a great gift. The receiver will use this card to satisfy this hankering, making it good present, and yet – it would be so disappointing to open a spangly Christmas envelope only to see a sad Subway gift card inside. This is a sad gift, and thus aligned with my anti-Christmas goals.

Here at Gawker we’re running 12 Days of Gift Guides. Previously: Gifts for Your Mother (Nature).