I Never Want to Go to a Picnic Again

So many ants

Closeup view of ants on a cupcake. There are several ants. Cupcake is on a checkered tablecloth.
My Foot Fell Asleep

I’m so sick of picnics. Last year picnics became such a thing, because it was the kindly, responsible way to see your friends. It was a great feeling, reuniting over a blanket, in nature, or some facsimile of it. But enough. Picnics are nice in theory, but in practice, they are often very annoying. They are a lame activity for childless young people. Let’s move on. Here are ten reasons why picnics suck.

10. I do not live in Regency England.

9. Ants.

8. Extreme discomfort: calf cramps, feet asleep, damp butt.

7. Grass stains.

6. American green grass in general is very toxic and terrible for the environment and filled with chemicals that will lead us straight into our graves.

5. Mayonnaise salads rotting in the sun.

4. The futile search for a drop pin.

3. Natural wine...

2. The overlap between people who like natural wine and women who wear “nap dresses.”

1. Imagine this scene: Tables set up inside, in air conditioned rooms. Bugs outside, looking in. Delicious food brought to you at the correct temperature by a waiter. The idea of never having to go to a picnic again.

I did get invited to a picnic in a cemetery though, and I’ll go to that. That has caché!