10 People It’s Time for God to Close the Door On

Relax, we are all going to die.

Couple pining after their relative at funeral

We are all going to die one day. I will, you will, everyone you know will. So why do we act like the will of God is a punishment? Some people should just not be alive, and I don’t mean I am going to kill them or do anything to end their lives — I mean they’ve had their fun. And if they died, only good would come from their souls no longer inhabiting their bodies. Their time has come to an end, and they’ve had amazing, privileged, long lives. In fact, I think a lot of people would celebrate these deaths.

Rupert Murdoch

Has Murdoch ruined most of the world? It’s debateable. In an 16,000-word investigation from 2019, The New York Times detailed all the ways the Murdoch family created news empires that have destroyed lives and spread disinformation, etc. Murdoch dying at this point wouldn’t stop any of what he’s done or slow it down. But the thing is, Murdoch at 90 is married to former model Jerry Hall and I think his life is a bit too good. When the Times investigation revealed he nearly died when he broke his spine on a yacht in 2018, we got so close. I believe we can get there again.

Henry Kissinger

Kissinger, the architect of so much war, is barely alive at age 98. Satan, please — it’s time for this man to meet you.

The Sackler Family

There are a lot of evil families on Earth and the Sacklers, who more or less engineered the opioid crisis, are one of them. But their name being tarnished and ripped from museum wings they financed isn’t enough — they need to go.

The Queen

She may already be dead, but the fact is that The Queen has been a monarch for far too long, and I say this as a Canadian under her rule. Based on The Crown, I think the Queen and I would get along really well. That being said, I think it would be amazing to see what happens to the world when she dies. She’s had her fun!

Whoever came up with anti-homeless architecture

I have done some light research on who invented “hostile” architecture, and I cannot pin down the guy who came up with it. Apparently it stems from something called “Defensible space theory” that a guy who is already dead came up with. It has ruined every major city I’ve been to. There’s nowhere for people to sleep or sit outside or be comfortable. Anyone who has helped popularize it should be dead.

Prince William

Prince William is always yakking away about how overpopulation in Africa is affecting wildlife conservation. Ok, Mr. Prince William — if overpopulation is SO bad then why are you still alive?

Betty White

I actually love Betty White! Who doesn’t? I love that for a few years in the Obama era, she was inescapable. Only now, she is trending on Twitter almost every week and it always is the same thing — people think she’s dead, but she is not. (She is usually trending because viral parasite Eric Alper is bringing her up constantly for retweets.) It’s a very insane cycle, and I think there’s only one way to break it. It’s ok, she’s almost 100 years old.

Most people on the show Selling Sunset

I hate this show. Every time a season comes out, I turn it on and don’t get up until it’s done, and then I ask God for forgiveness. There’s something extremely sinister about a show about real estate that takes place in a city that is constantly violently clearing encampments. I don’t think everyone on that show is evil, but I won’t specify who should not be dead. But I do think they’re making the world — or at least L.A. — a much worse place.

Ted Lasso

Not a real person, so I can say this. If Ted Lasso was real, I’d wish for his death. I know the time for Ted Lasso discourse has long been over, but my dream is that season 3 ends with him getting a soccer ball to the head. He can surely coach soccer in fake heaven.