Would You Rather Age Wet or Dry?

There are countless ways for people to try and fight the aging process. Unfortunately, there is no amount of blood facials, filler, and counting macros that can stop gravity from doing its thing. That’s actually Newton’s fourth law. Nothing has shaped my view on aging more than a theory proposed by Gawker’s own Brandy Jensen which declares that we all have only two options as we get older: dry or wet.

Here is how Brandy puts it: “As men age they become either wetter (puffy with fluid a la James Spader or Val Kilmer) or dry and dessicated.” Wet or dry — which one will you be? I myself would love to age dry, like a French woman who smoked throughout her pregnancy. My genes will probably disagree with this, and if a higher power allows me to see old age I imagine that I will die as damp as a microwaved salisbury steak.

The wet/dry dichotomy is not a value judgment — you can age gracefully or horribly as either — but rather a new way to think about aging. But what does it mean to be wet or dry? Let’s ignore Brandy’s original note that this is only for men; in 2021 women can be wet or dry too. Here are some helpful examples of this perfect binary.

James Spader

This is wet.

Willem Dafoe

This is dry.

Al Pacino

This is simultaneously wet and dry, as per usual Pacino defies categorization.

Kathleen Turner

This is what all women who are veering wet should aspire to.

Dames Judi Dench and Maggie Smith

Judi: wet, Maggie: dry.

Leonardo DiCaprio

Soaking.

Don Cheadle

I admit that this is an easier game to play with white people, but I’m gonna say that this is dry.

Angela Bassett

And this is wet.

Steve Buscemi

Do not be fooled into thinking this is dry. This is wet.

Javier Bardem

Do not be fooled into thinking this is wet. This is dry.