Which Super Bowl Quarterback Deserves to Win?

Let’s look at their houses to decide

Ronald Martinez/Getty Images, Emilee Chinn/Getty Images
Allie Jones

The Super Bowl is on Sunday. After you figure out how to balance this celebration of the American ideal with your Valentine’s Day plans the following day, you’ll need to figure out which team to root for: the Los Angeles Rams or the Cincinnati Bengals. Tricky, right? They’re both so good. To make this decision, I suggest looking at the houses that belong to the teams’ respective quarterbacks.

The L.A. Rams quarterback is Matthew Stafford. He’s married to a woman named Kelly and together they have four daughters: Tyler, Chandler, Sawyer, and Hunter. They live in the same Hidden Hills neighborhood as Kylie Jenner, Dwyane Wade, and Gabrielle Union in a 15,000-square foot mansion they purchased for $20 million last year. The architectural firm that designed the property calls it the “Seven Summits Residence.” From the front, it looks like a futuristic penitentiary. In the back, there’s an infinity pool and a concrete deck that looks like a helipad. Check out the kids’ room! And marvel at the fact that the kitchen seems to have three separate marble islands, as pictured in Kelly’s Instagram sponcon for avocados:

Per the architectural firm, the home “balances the conservative, vernacular character of the surrounding neighborhood with a contemporary design palette, juxtaposing gabled roof forms and a shingle-clad exterior with expansive glass and metal elevations which provide an unprecedented degree of connectivity between interior and exterior.” Is this the home of a person who deserves to win? No. This is the home of a person who has won enough.

Meanwhile, the Cincinnati Bengals’ QB Joe Burrow reportedly lives in a 2,900-square foot home in the Columbia-Tusculum neighborhood of Cincinnati. Realtor.com says he bought the place for $835,000 in 2020 after he was drafted by the Bengals. Before that, he was living with his parents in Athens, Ohio. You can see a photo of the outside of his normal house here. Because it was not designed by an architecture firm hoping to promote its work to other celebrities, there are no photos of the inside available online. But you can see in this ad for Buffalo Wild Wings, which looks to be taken in his house, that it has an electric fireplace:

In conclusion, I will be rooting for the Bengals because I think Joe Burrow should get to have a slightly nicer house, and Matthew Stafford should have his house taken away from him. Go Bengals!