Which Normal Guy Celeb Will Get “Pratted” Next?

John Krasinski and Kumail Nanjiani are getting lonely at the top. They need a new schlub to join them

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA - JUNE 30: Chris Pratt attends the premiere of Amazon's "The Tomorrow War" a...
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CIA wya?

Being a male actor isn’t what it used to be. In the past, you could be a semi-attractive white man with a hairy chest and no muscles and be cast as a heartthrob or a war hero in movies on the spot upon leaving your house. Now men must have dolphin-smooth skin, a perfect trapezoid of a jaw, and the stamina to spend six months on a punishing meal plan under the guidance of an ex-Marine personal trainer to make it in the cut-throat world of Hollywood acting.

Chris Pratt was the first former schlub to go through the grooming machine in order to become a bankable action star. Like John Krasinksi and Kumail Nanjiani after him, he went through Hollywood’s very own Stefan Urquelle bootcamp to turn from human man to action figure. Now, he promotes his films alongside his favorite products from Amazon much like fellow Amazon plant Krasinski. The Illuminati probably isn’t real, but some kind of deal with the devil, or the CIA, has been made in order for these men to star in the most soulless action films imaginable. But they can’t carry the weight of the entertainment industry on their own. So here are some predictions for who the next strong man will be.

Bo Burnham

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Burnham recently released a Netflix comedy special where he talked, cried and sang about hot-button issues like capitalism, white women, and depression — all from the comfort of his Hollywood guest house. You might be thinking the actor/director has too much integrity to bulk up and star in a movie that makes him go on a pro-CIA press tour, but something tells me he doesn’t.

James Corden

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The most-hated man on late night television (and in the streets of Los Angeles), James Corden is too disliked to ever win anyone over. Whether he doesn’t know the effect he has on people or he doesn’t care, Corden’s whole thing is being in as many places at once as possible. This means he would be more than willing to undergo a total transformation in order to play a cop that saves the world from an anti-American alien invasion.

Jake Johnson

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The most lovable “schlubby” man of all, Johnson almost had his go at getting Pratted when he co-starred alongside Tom Cruise in 2017’s The Mummy, a film even the most loyal Cruise stan (me) cannot back. They gave him a decent haircut and trimmed his facial hair, but Johnson still was in full sidekick mode. But it’s been years since The Mummy, and one can only live off New Girl residuals for so long. Get this man on some human growth hormone, and fast!

Paul Dano

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Dano is a serious actor who you never hear about unless someone’s talking about why he is underrated. He transforms himself for every role he’s in, but even the most serious actor needs a little love. I first noticed he could probably get super jacked when watching him in 2018’s Escape at Dannemora, where he played a mildly buff man escaping from prison. His next anticipated role is playing the Riddler in that Batman movie Rob Pattinson has been filming for the last two years, and it is sure to thrust him into the spotlight like never before. I see this as his first step to making a deal with the devil (the CIA).

Jesse Plemmons

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Another serious actor, there’s nothing Plemmons can’t do. He has gone from Friday Night Lights to being one of the most interesting and respected actors today. For this reason, he’s a wild card, and while he does not need to be Chris Pratted, he is just unpredictable enough that he may one day show up on our screens with a full six pack, fully transformed into his tethered, Matt Damon.

Tim Robinson

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To be frank, my coworkers said to add Tim Robinson because they have a big crush on him and think this will get clicks? I believe Robinson does not have what it takes to get Pratted, but whatever.

Jason Sudeikis

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Jason Sudeikis has been a well-liked cutie since Saturday Night Live, working steadily and looking harmless in plenty of comedies. But he was catapulted into stardom over the last year after growing a moustache and becoming Ted Lasso while his ex-fiancée Olivia Wilde galavanted up and down the California coast with new beau Harry Styles. Not only is he extremely famous now, but everyone feels kind of bad for him because the mother of his children has leveled up with a sexy pop star who is 18 years his junior. But in light of the recent toxic Ted Lasso backlash, Sudeikis has no choice but to drop the nice-guy act and become truly alpha. And that means investing in a freakish-looking upper body.