Top 5 Things I Liked About Ben Affleck and Ana de Armas’s Doomed Erotic Thriller ‘Deep Water’

It’s important to be positive

LOS ANGELES, CA - JULY 01: Ben Affleck and Ana de Armas are seen on July 01, 2020 in Los Angeles, Ca...
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Allie Jones
So Many Handjobs

Deep Water, an erotic thriller based on a 1957 Patricia Highsmith novel and directed by Adrian Lyne, was released on Hulu today after several Covid-related delays. Its stars, Ben Affleck and Ana de Armas, have done absolutely zero press for the movie, probably because they broke up over a year ago and Affleck is with J.Lo now. The reviews are also pretty bad. Still, I got up early on release day to fire up my Roku TV and stream this work of art, because I think it is important to show respect for the last remaining totem of Affleck and de Armas’s 14-month relationship.

Affleck and de Armas met on the New Orleans set of Deep Water in November 2019, and according to Life & Style, they hit it off right away. “Their chemistry is off the charts,” a source told the tabloid at the time. They went on to quarantine together during the beginning of the pandemic, and they did pap walks almost daily up and down the streets of Affleck’s Pacific Palisades neighborhood. By January 2021, however, they broke up — perhaps you recall seeing photos of a de Armas cutout hanging out in the trash outside Affleck’s mansion. Now, all we have left of “BenAna” is Deep Water, which is about a tortured married couple dealing with de Armas’s character’s myriad affairs.

Nothing really happens during the first hour of the movie except several handjobs: de Armas gives them out freely to both Affleck and her three boyfriends (she also attempts — I’m so sorry — “road head” on two separate occasions). But then her boyfriends start turning up dead, and everyone thinks Affleck killed them. The script is comically bad in places, perhaps because Euphoria’s Sam Levinson co-wrote it. But there are a few things I enjoyed about the movie, which I will list for you now. It’s important to be positive.

When de Armas explains Affleck’s job

Early in the movie, de Armas and Affleck are at one of many New Orleans parties they attend when Tracy Letts (playing a screenwriter) asks Affleck what he does for a living. de Armas explains that he doesn’t have a job, because he got rich creating technology. “He made a chip for drones that helps them find the people to blow up,” she says. Okay!

When Jacob Elordi is a jazz piano player

Euphoria’s “Nate” shows up halfway through the movie to play one of de Armas’s boyfriends. He is a very unconvincing jazz piano player who later gets murdered by Affleck at a pool party. But first, de Armas commands him to play a tune while she gives Affleck an over-the-pants handjob in front of several party guests.

When Affleck’s daughter does Amazon sponcon

In one of the first scenes in the movie, Affleck’s six-year-old daughter, played by child actress Grace Jenkins, loudly asks Alexa to play “Old McDonald Had a Farm.” She really sells it. Later, she calls Tony, one of de Armas’s murdered boyfriends, “Tony Boloney.” A comedy queen.

When Affleck has a lot of snails for no reason

One of the most perplexing things about this movie is the fact that Affleck has a snail habitat in his basement. I get the sense that Lyne and Levinson wanted this to really mean something (he’s…slimy?), but all I got was “this guy likes snails.” At one point, one of de Armas’s boyfriends asks if they can cook some of the snails for dinner, and Affleck responds, “The snails are not for eating.”

When the camera pans over de Armas’s fake engagement ring

Throughout the movie, de Armas wears a diamond engagement ring that she takes on and off depending on whether she is sleeping with Affleck or somebody else. This particular ring caused a lot of commotion when Affleck and de Armas were doing reshoots for the movie in November 2020, because de Armas “flashed” it to the paparazzi while the couple was making out on a balcony. We all hoped it was real, and that Affleck and de Armas were going to get married IRL, but now we know it was just a prop.