Top 10 Celebrity Kids I’m Most Afraid Of

Apple Martin…eep!

LONDON - JULY 02:  Actress Gwyneth Paltrow and daughter Apple watch Coldplay singer Chris Martin per...
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Allie Jones

School’s out for the summer, which means celebrities are sharing all kinds of photos from their kids’ graduations and summer kick-off parties. Maybe you like this kind of content, but for me it is simply a scary reminder that I could never hack it at Sierra Canyon or Harvard Westlake. Here are the top ten celebrity kids who scare me the most.

10. Iris Apatow, 19

Sure, Iris’s older sister Maude is on Euphoria, but Iris seems like the real power broker in the Mann-Apatow household. She’s best friends with Olivia Rodrigo, and she’s dating Kate Hudson’s son Ryder Robinson. How did any of this happen? I hope I never have to find out.

9. Maxwell Drew Johnson, 10

Jessica Simpson’s eldest daughter has a cool gender-neutral name, blue streaks in her hair, and is best friends with North West. She would eat me for lunch.

8. Apple Martin, 18

This gal may have just graduated high school, but I know I do not have the confidence to ever look her in the eye. Have you seen the paparazzi photos of her walking coolly alongside her would-be stepmom Dakota Johnson while carrying several iced matchas? Terrifying.

7. Dakota Johnson, 32

She’s scary too, obviously.

6. Tennessee Toth, 9

The media tends two focus on Reese Witherspoon’s two older children, Ava and Deacon Phillippe, because of how much they look like her and their father, Ryan Phillippe. But they don’t scare me. Ava’s in a regular sorority at college (been there, done that) and Deacon just graduated from homeschool. If I saw either of them on the street, I’d walk on by. But Tennessee, Witherspoon’s nine-year-old son with her current husband Jim Toth, is another story. This kid got late-in-life undivided parental attention from Witherspoon and Toth, a former bigwig at CAA. He could probably buy this website right now if he wanted to.

4 and 5. Malia and Sasha Obama, 23 and 20

I’m not even going to write anything descriptive here, that’s how much I fear/respect these two.

3. Kaia Gerber, 20

A MODEL with a TRUST FUND who can READ? Not fair and of course, spooky.

1 and 2. Hazel and Phinnaeus Moder, 17

Julia Roberts’s twins are so famous we barely even know what they look like. That’s power, and I’m afraid of it.