Gisele Bündchen Sentenced to Another Year in Tampa

She was so close to freedom

TAMPA, FLORIDA - FEBRUARY 07: Tom Brady #12 of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers celebrates with Gisele Bundc...
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The Brady Bunch

Gisele Bündchen must have been so excited when Tom Brady announced his retirement last month. The wife of the Buccaneers quarterback has publicly said that she does not think getting hit in the head so many times is healthy, and you know, she’s probably right. Nevertheless, Brady announced on Sunday that he would play another season with the Buccaneers, forcing Bündchen to keep worrying about her husband’s cognitive health. Perhaps even worse, the supermodel has to keep living in Tampa, a city that seems to run on stockpiled original-recipe Four Loko.

Brady announced his retirement reversal in an Instagram post that read, “These past two months I have realized my place is still on the field and not in the stands. That time will come. But it’s not now.”

Bündchen commented on the post, saying, “Here we go again! Let's go lovvvey! Let's go Bucs!" I imagine her saying “Here we go again” with the kind of world weary, exasperated tone of a woman whose life is out of her hands.

Last year, the couple was renting Derek Jeter’s hideous mansion in Tampa during the NFL season. Unfortunately for them, “St. Jetersburg” has been sold, so on top of everything Bündchen has to settle for the second most gaudy mansion in Tampa. This is no way for a former Victoria’s Secret angel to live.

Bündchen should be spending her time with other professionally beautiful people in New York or LA; there is no reason for her to know what Publix is. Here’s hoping that this is actually Brady’s last season, and that his long-suffering wife can finally return to her natural habitat: a red carpet for the opening of an upscale vegan restaurant.