Tom Brady Warns 9-Year-Olds Not to Date His Daughter

Listen up, nine-year-olds. I know you’re probably busy making slime and watching YouTube videos of your peers unboxing toys, but I have something very important to relay. Do not date Tom Brady’s daughter Vivian. He will kill you.

On Sunday — before losing by ten points to the Chiefs — Brady shared his warning to any prepubescent snot vessels who might even be toying with the idea of asking Vivian out on a playdate. The Bucs QB posted a photo of someone’s Halloween decorations, specifically a tombstone that read “ANYONE WHO DATES MY DAUGHTER.” Do you get it? They’ll be dead.

To hammer home the point, Brady wrote, “I want to be crystal clear about this 😂😂❤️.” However in case anyone didn’t know where to look, he helpfully circled the lawn decoration in a seasonally appropriate shade of orange.

Do not let the crying laughing emoji fool you, Tom Brady does not have a sense of humor. He is not joking. If you are the parent of a fourth grade boy (and he is certainly thinking of a boy), show him a photo of young Vivian and tell him to never even speak to her — at least until Gisele gets custody.

I won’t bore you with the feminist talking points about this, I’m sure you know them already. But it is funny that Brady is presumably trying to keep future adult Vivian away from guys who will, say, be in a committed relationship with her, get her pregnant, and then leave her a few months later for a Brazilian supermodel. Those kinds of guys are the worst.

As for the young girls of America, you are safe. I’m sure you can date Brady’s sons and it will be completely chill. Feel free to go out with them, enjoy your date, and maybe even share a kiss at the end. Just know that in the Brady household, Tom always gets first dibs on a lip-to-lip smooch.