Tom Brady and Gisele Bündchen Divorce Watch: Alert Level Water Park

Gisele’s taking the kids and this is getting serious

(051909  Boston, MA)  Gisele Bundchen steals some of Tom Brady's dessert as he visits during the Cha...
MediaNews Group/Boston Herald via Getty Images/MediaNews Group/Getty Images
Allie Jones
Pass Interference

Tom Brady, a 45-year-old unretired quarterback for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, and Gisele Bündchen, a 42-year-old supermodel who has had it up to here with this football nonsense, are on divorce watch. They have been ever since last week, when Page Six dropped a barnburner of an exclusive alleging that Bündchen fled to Costa Rica after an “epic fight” with Brady over his decision to return to the NFL in his old age. Since that report, neither party has done anything to quell the rumors, which to me suggests that they have likely both retained counsel. (Who gets Laura Wasser?)

According to Page Six, Bündchen has returned to Florida, but she is not staying in the family compound in Tampa. “Gisele isn’t back with Tom,” a source claimed. “She flew back to Florida to be with her kids.” The source believes that Bündchen is staying somewhere in Miami, which is what I would do if my idiot husband was insisting on playing professional football in Tampa until his head explodes.

“Tom is still hoping they can reconcile,” the source continued. “Gisele has told him she’s leaving him before, and they always made up when she cooled down.”

But in the most alarming sign of an impending separation yet, People — the go-to tabloid for an A-list divorce announcement — is blithely reporting on Bündchen and Brady’s whereabouts with no mention of marital trouble. The outlet ran two stories this week, one on Bündchen spending time with her children, and one on Brady doing the same, as if they were preparing to submit evidence in a custody hearing.

According to People, Bündchen took the two kids she shares with Brady to a water park in Miami this week. The tabloid notes that Brady was not with them, but “they all seemed happy and having fun.”

“Gisele looked gorgeous in a one-piece black bathing suit,” a source revealed. Yeah, People wants this divorce announcement.

Brady, meanwhile, flew to New York to watch his son whom he shares with his ex-girlfriend Bridget Moynahan at football practice. “Tom was in great spirits and chatted to all the parents,” a source told People. “He flew all the way in for the scrimmage. He’s such a sweet dad and is always there for Jack.”

Jesus Christ.

Brady’s first game is this Sunday, and he did an interview with the football podcast “Let’s Go!” to talk about getting ready for the season. He mentioned everyone in his family except for Bündchen. “You can’t stop your life even though sports is happening,” he said. “Even though I’m playing in my 23rd year, I have a freshman in high school that is playing football, too. I have a 12-year-old that is going through his life. I have a 9-year-old that is going through her life. And I have parents, and I have a lot of things that are really important, off-field pursuits and goals that you’re trying to maximize as well.”

Could those off-field pursuits involve a forensic accounting of all marital assets acquired in the last 13 years? I’d look to People for a thoughtful and considered statement about the importance of remaining best friends and co-parents sometime before the Super Bowl.