Would You Like to Buy Tom Girardi’s Bedazzled Globe?

Need a Dell monitor? The office of Tom Girardi, disgraced elderly alleged crook husband of Real Housewife of Beverly Hills and chanteuse Erika Jayne, is having perhaps the saddest yard sale ever.

Girardi and Jayne are in the midst of a supremely messy divorce that includes allegations of embezzlement from plane-crash victims, dementia, a conservatorship, and the dissolution of Girardi’s law firm. As part of the latter, the law firm is auctioning off its… modest assets, providing the American public an exciting opportunity to cop some cut-rate supplies. Get your bids in while you still can:

1. Sofa, $8

2. Dell PC with monitor, keyboard, and mouse, $3

3. Dell PC with monitor, keyboard, and mouse, $3

4. Dell PC with monitor, keyboard, and mouse, $3

5. HP PC with mouse, keyboard, and monitor, $3

6. Multiple Girardi lawyer awards, $130-$190

7. Including one shaped like a little gladiator, $250

8. Girardi bronze bust, $325

9. Framed, unframed paintings of Girardi, $30-$350

10. Gulfstream IV model plane with customized Girardi engraving plate, $75

11. Erika Jayne collectibles, $350

12. Agent Provocateur red lingerie set with receipt to Girardi included, $1

13. Lot: complete office with U-shaped desk, overhead cabinets, bookcase with drawers, three-section file cabinets, side table, desk chair, and additional chairs, $3

14. Chinese ceremonial sword, $300

15. Framed final wire transfer receipt for $263,000,000 from the Pacific Gas & Electric Company to Girardi, et al. for Erin Brokovich case, $550

16. Herman Miller office chair, $160

17. Notecards of Abraham Lincoln, John F. Kennedy, Earl Rogers, and Atticus Finch, $60

18. Amethyst geode crystal, $180

19. More expensive amethyst geode crystal, $250

20. More crystals, $60

21. Model Shell oil tanker in case, $25

22. Chinese raised cloisonné vase, $325

23. Versace by Rosenthal Medusa crystal wine stoppers, $90

24. Dom Perignon Brut champagne vintage 2004 (note: “Neither Auctioneer or Seller has knowledge of wine’s storage history and therefore cannot guarantee drinkability”), $200

25. Lot: approximately 30 bottles of compromised wine (note: “not kept in climate controlled environment”), $6

26. Bedazzled globe, $75

27. Signed and framed Jackie Robinson photo, $300

28. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar signed basketball, $350

29. Manny Pacquiao painting on canvas, $15

30. Yankees stadium seat with letter of authenticity, $500

31. Two signed volumes of The Complete Poems of Robert Frost, $250

32. John Broadwood & Sons (London) 1895 upright piano, $170

33. Ermenegildo Zegna couture suits worn by Girardi, U.S. size 50, in gray pinstripe and black, $1

34. Girardi monogrammed briefcase, $1

35. Framed print of Ballet School, Edgar Degas, c. 1874, $1,100

36. Sad clown artwork, $1

37. Assorted soft-covered books, $3

38. Rotisserie chicken oven, $20

39. 2011 Cadillac DTS Premium used to chauffeur Girardi (note: “likely requires a new battery”), $3,900

All prices reflect the latest figures at the time of publishing. Happy bidding!