The Lord Giveth, and The Lord Taketh Away

Not many people know this, but there can only be a certain amount of gorgeous celebrity marriages at one time. I think the number is around 16, but I’d have to double check that. As the prophecy that I am just making up right now foretold, when one beautiful couple gets engaged another has to divorce. We are currently witnessing this in action, as Jason Momoa and Lisa Bonet announced their divorce just two hours before Machine Gun Kelly and Megan Fox announced their engagement on Wednesday night.

Momoa and Bonet made their announcement on Momoa’s Instagram (the handle of which is “@prideofgypsies” which sure is… something), falling in line with other recent celebrity breakups. “A revolution is unfolding — and our family is of no exception,” they wrote. Kind of ominous, no? What do they know that I don’t?

Bonet and Momoa got together in 2005 (Momoa even had a childhood crush on Bonet; in an interview with James Corden, the actor revealed that at the age of eight he pointed at Bonet on television and said “Mommy, I want that one”), and they were married in 2017. They were notable for exhibiting one of my favorite relationship dynamics: huge man and tiny woman. They are also very beautiful, and frequently said kind things about one another (and additional relatives Lenny and Zoë Kravitz) in the press. “If someone says something isn’t possible,” Momoa once told Esquire, “I’m like, ‘Listen here, I married Lisa Bonet. Anything is fucking possible.’” I will miss them.

But elsewhere in California, another couple with an exaggerated size difference, extraordinary bone structure, and a woo-woo vibe needed to get engaged, so Momoa and Bonet had to go.

Machine Gun Kelly and Megan Fox got engaged, as they both noted, “under the banyan tree” where they fell in love. If you want to see it happen from three different angles, you’re in luck. Fox shared a video of the proposal happening that was seemingly edited by someone who just took a film class at an adult learning center and is really excited about the concept of “coverage.”

In her caption Fox wrote, “And just as in every lifetime before this one, and as in every lifetime that will follow it, I said yes. …and then we drank each other’s blood.” And you know what? I believe her when she says that.

MGK also shared a close-up of the engagement ring, which is unfortunately hideous. It combines Fox’s birthstone (an emerald) and his (a diamond) that are “set on two magnetic bands of thorns that draw together as two halves of the same soul forming the obscure heart that is our love.” Whatever makes you happy, man.

One sacrifice has been made for another union to form, and I think that’s beautiful. Who will be next? Well, only the Oracle knows that for sure, but I would put money on John Legend and Chrissy Teigen splitting to make way for Angelina Jolie and The Weeknd tying the knot.