There are probably a lot of perks to being the child of very wealthy parents. You get fabulous birthday parties and designer clothes that cost more than my rent, and you definitely have no concept of what a student loan is. But the mainstream media’s obsession with depicting “normal” children’s lives has these rich kids feeling left out.
Stormi Webster, the daughter of Kylie Jenner and Travis Scott, definitely feels that way. In an Instagram story shared by her mom yesterday, we learned that all Stormi has been talking about recently is “riding a big yellow bus.” You see, if you are a three-year-old whose parents have more money than God, you start to dream about the simple things in life, like riding in a school bus with a bunch of other snot-nosed anklebiters.
Thankfully, money can buy anything, including the simulacra of an average life. So Stormi’s daddy got her a big yellow bus that she could run around in and pretend to be going on a field trip to the Los Angeles County Museum of Art.
This is only the beginning of Stormi’s regular kid daydreams, though. As she grows up she will probably stare out her floor-to-ceiling window, wondering what it’s like to attend a public school assembly or live in a house that has only three bedrooms. Kylie and Travis will no doubt want to help Stormi live out her fantasies, so here are some suggestions for things they might want to start looking into.
- A VR experience where Stormi can lose her retainer on vacation and feel the overwhelming anxiety of watching her parents stress out about it, because they paid $10,000 for those teeth and there’s no way in hell they’re going to let it go out the window.
- Renting out a big field and hiring a large group of non-union child actors so that Stormi can do the mile at a pleasant stroll with her besties. For added realism, Travis and Kylie can hire a middle-aged man in polyester track pants to shout, “C’mon girls let’s get it moving,” while Stormi ignores him.
- For a truly immersive experience, Travis and Kylie can buy Stormi a used Toyota Yaris, which she can then take to a strip mall parking lot to just kind of hang out and shoot the shit for a few hours with 2-3 friends wearing head-to-toe H&M.
- They can tell Stormi’s private tutor to assign her a diorama project wherein she must recreate a scene from Jane Eyre in a shoebox. She will not do a single thing until the night before. At about 9 PM, she will look in a drawer that usually has all the arts and crafts supplies, and will find that it is barren except for a few popsicle sticks and some dried up markers. Ashamed, she will go to her mom and ask to go to Michael’s. Kylie, already in her pajamas for the night, will take a deep breath and say, “You need to go now?” Once explaining the situation, Kylie will barely contain her annoyance and tell Stormi that she created this problem for herself by waiting so long to get started. Travis will come in and rush Stormi to a warehouse at the Paramount lot that has been transformed into a craft store. Stormi will then stay up late working on the diorama, only to get a C+. Kylie will tell her this is a learning experience.
- Orange slices after a soccer game!