Sadly, Rihanna Has Given Birth to a Boy

Let’s start off on the positive side of things: Rihanna had a baby! TMZ reported on Thursday that the Fenty Beauty mogul gave birth on May 13, which all my calendar-heads will know was a Friday. That’s your first omen that things were not right.

Here is where we get to the bad news: It’s a boy (name yet to be announced). I know, I know, it is sick and twisted that we have to live in a world where Rihanna is a “boy mom.” All love to her and boyfriend A$AP Rocky — who I imagine are over the moon right now — but they too must know that this is a little fucked up.

Should little Rihanno be a boy in the traditional, patriarchal, heteronormative sense, then literally what is the point of having Rihanna as your mom? If you are Rihanna’s kid and you aren’t raiding her closet and learning how to confidently walk across sewer grates in stilettos, you are wasting your time. What are you going to do? Play Fortnite? Watch PewDiePie? In Rihanna’s house?? I shudder to think.

Gender of the baby aside, congratulations to the parents. Even though he is a boy, I’m sure he is going to be the most beautiful boy any of us have ever seen.