Possible New Girlfriends for Tom Brady

No use dwelling on the past. Tom Brady and Gisele Bündchen formally announced today that they had filed for divorce after 13 years of marriage. In a statement, Brady said that his children with Bündchen would “continue to be the center of [their] world in every way.” That is very sweet, but there are bigger things to focus on at the moment. Namely, who is Brady going to date now that he’s back on the market? Allow us to play matchmaker.

Larsa Pippen

Any of the Real Housewives would be good (Erika Jayne would be perfect), but the ex-wife of Scottie Pippen already knows what it means when your partner is married to the game. Plus, she lives in Miami. Think of how good The Real Housewives of Miami would get if Pippen got a storyline about dating another professional athlete that she “doesn’t want to name” because she “respects his privacy.”

Anna Faris

Obviously we all want better for Anna Faris than to date the least charismatic man in professional sports. But it would do wonders for him to have one of the most likable people in Hollywood by his side. People would speculate that, for once in his life, he has heard and enjoyed a joke told by a woman.

Hope Hicks

Throwback! This is an option for Brady if he wants to just lean into being a Republican. He has often dodged the allegations, but having had regular golf dates with Donald Trump doesn't exactly point to a liberal sense of view. Hicks, the former White House Communications Director under Trump, could also use a bump. She hasn’t been in the news as much recently, and when she has been it’s because she’s been called to an interview with the Jan. 6 committee. He needs a hot gf, she needs tabloid news that distracts from her possible complicity in an insurrection… win/win.

Shailene Woodley

Another woman who knows what it’s like to date a professional athlete, I think their differing political opinions would make for a spicy fling. They’re both health nuts, and could trade tips about what kind of water is the most nourishing, etc.

Gigi Hadid

The man loves a model. This one is technically dating Leonardo DiCaprio, although we haven’t heard about that in a minute. If you were a single, working mother, would you rather date a man who is obsessed with partying at 47 years old, or another parent who is so busy with his job that he’s going to leave you alone most of the time? The choice is obvious.

Literally Any Tampa-Based Instagram Model

The likeliest, most boring option. Congrats to the lucky girl.