Nicola Peltz’s Wedding Dress Looked Like Shit

Project Runway reject-looking Valentino

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Sexy Aprons

If you are the daughter of a billionaire getting married to the son of two millionaires, you undoubtedly have your pick of wedding gowns. It will probably be custom from a couture house, and it will likely cost more than I make in a year. But just because a garment is expensive couture does not mean it will look good. In the case of Nicola Peltz’s wedding dress, it means that it actually looks pretty bad.

The daughter of investor and Wendy’s chairman Nelson Peltz, Nicola is an “actress” best known for being the girlfriend/fiancée/now-wife of Brooklyn Beckham, the “photographer”/“chef” son of real British royalty Victoria and David Beckham. The two children of hefty trust funds have been in the headlines almost constantly for their $3 million wedding, which was held this past weekend on the Peltz estate in Palm Beach, Florida.

Beckham, 23, looked like a maître d’ in his tuxedo, and his bride, 27, looked like one of the gorgeous models who got saddled with a designer on the verge of being eliminated from Project Runway. Let’s take a look.

First of all, the bodice is all wrong. Why is the daughter of a billionaire wearing what looks like a Shein corset top to her own wedding? Second of all, do you see how the hem is puckered? This is custom Valentino, which you might never know if every article written about the nuptials didn’t make sure to include that fact.

Another gripe I have (I could go all day) is that the dress — particularly the train — looks wrinkled. Consider this a tip to anyone who will ever be photographed wearing nice clothes: buy a steamer. They aren’t expensive and will greatly increase the quality of your life.

Alright, fine. Maybe I’m being unnecessarily rude. Let’s take a closer look at the dress.

Nope. I was right the first time. This is a bad dress. It looks like a sexy apron. (I will say, though, that the hair and makeup teams did an incredible job. Peltz looks great from the neck up.)

But hey, at least the groom’s parents didn’t show up looking ten times better, showing everyone how to look gorgeous, glamorous, and timeless all at once–

Oh, well. Considering the rate of celebrity divorces, there’s always next time.