Congrats to Khloé Kardashian on Her New Job

Candy Crush is a life-ruining game. I spent many months years ago so addicted to this app, only to realize it was just gambling for schmucks. I didn’t spend any actual money on boosters or more lives, but I was very close and I knew the minute I put in my payment information there would be no going back. The horrifying thing about Candy Crush is that it’s an abyss. You cannot win. You just play and play and play, you play so much you see it when you close your eyes.

So who better to host America’s First Candy Crush All Stars tournament, an in-game competition in which players compete to be crowned the best player in America, than...Khloé Kardashian?

There’s so much darkness in this very short ad, such as:

• Kardashian saying that her nails “almost look edible” and “so real” and that she almost wants to eat them because they’re painted like the fake candy from Candy Crush
• The assumption that she got paid at least half a million dollars for this ad
• How her voice gains momentum as she says, “Candy Crush All Stars tournament!”
• The promise of her “seeing you there”
• Her blank stare at the very end

Anyway, see you there!