Kardashians Confirm Being White and Skinny Is In Again

My sisters with fat asses and big tits, I have some horrible news. We are out. We had a good run, but the powers that be (the Kardashians) have declared that having brown skin, a great caboose, and a grade-A set of cans is no longer the look du jour. Kim and Khloé Kardashian recently shared some photos from Khloé’s birthday weekend that confirmed as much.

For the first time in years, these women are invoking the opening lyrics to Lady Gaga’s “Donatella.” They’re blonde, they’re skinny, they’re rich, and a little bit of a bitch. This transition has been happening since May’s Met Gala, when Kim went on a crash diet in order to fit into Marilyn Monroe’s dress. Now that she is no longer spray tanning her body within an inch of its life, the transition is complete. The era of trying to co-opt Black beauty standards is over, and looking like a thin white woman is the new goal. Everyone update your records and call your stylist to see how much it’s going to cost you to go blonde.

In her recent cover story for Allure, Kim planted the seed for this trend shift by saying that she is “more confident as a blonde.” In the same interview she reiterated that, as she “kind of” joked earlier this year to the New York Times, she actually would eat poop if it would make her look younger, but “just a bite.” So, how much credence you lend her is a personal decision.

Elsewhere in skinny white girl news, Florence Pugh defended her small boobs over the weekend. After wearing a sheer gown to the Valentino couture show in Rome, Pugh wrote a lengthy Instagram caption about the negative comments she received for showing off her great (but sensible) rack.

“So many of you wanted to aggressively let me know how disappointed you were by my ‘tiny tits’, or how I should be embarrassed by being so ‘flat chested,’” she wrote. "I’ve lived in my body for a long time. I’m fully aware of my breast size and am not scared of it.”

B-cup girlies make some noise! It’s your time to shine! Be not afraid of the perky boobs that allow you to go braless without concern of back pain or discomfort when quickly walking down stairs. Flo said it was okay.

For those of us who are not white and skinny and blonde, do not worry, we’ll come back in style. Trend cycles are so fast these days that it’ll probably happen in like three months. Or maybe something new will take center stage. For my sake I hope it’s naturally frizzy hair and not liking eye contacts because they’re kind of a hassle.