Jeff Bezos's Dick Too Small for Space

Looks are everything. Jeff Bezos knows this. That’s why he’s beefed up his bod and taken a liking to bold, patterned shirts. That’s also why, according to Bloomberg, the Amazon founder wasn’t too happy with how his little spacesuit made his dick look.

According to the report, when Bezos tried on his Blue Origin jumpsuit for the first time last summer for a photo shoot, he was “volubly upset that the jumpsuit fit poorly around the crotch.” The entrepreneur even went as far as to have his tailor flown to his Texas ranch to fix the issue.

My first thought was that this meant that Bezos’s dick was too big to fit comfortably in the spacesuit, perhaps creating a bulge that was so prominent as to distract from the significance of the space mission. But upon reflecting deeply on the matter, I realized that Bezos would love it if he had a good-looking bulge in his jumpsuit as he boarded his spaceship (which happened to have a phallic shape of its own).

That leaves only one option: Bezos’s dick had too much room in the jumpsuit. For most people, this would be fine. A little room in the crotch is probably not a safety concern, but if you’re the richest man in the world and you want your family jewels to be comfortably cradled as you blast off on a rocket, you’re going to make that happen.

I do think that tailoring the suit was for the best. Otherwise people might have been so distracted by his baggy crotch, they wouldn’t have even noticed his super cool cowboy hat.