Gisele Bündchen Is Winning

The ring is off, the energy healer has been called, and she has the divorce lawyer on speed dial

TAMPA, FLORIDA - FEBRUARY 07: Gisele Bundchen, wife of Tom Brady #12 of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, ce...
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Model Behavior

If this were a movie, we’d be at the part just before Gisele Bündchen gets her groove back. She and current husband Tom Brady have both hired divorce lawyers, which means that it’s time for her to reinvent herself and learn who she is when she’s no longer tethered to a man whose brain and body is rapidly disintegrating. For Gisele, that means meeting with a spiritual healer and taking off her wedding ring, and the paps are all over it.

The Daily Mail reported that just days before the supermodel hired a lawyer, she met with someone named Dr. Ewa, a “a dedicated Doctor of Ayurvedic Medicine,” who blessed Bündchen’s SUV. The healer burned Palo Santo in and around the vehicle, hopefully removing whatever dark energy Brady had left behind.

Dr. Ewa — Is that her first name? Last? — is exactly the kind of woman you want cleansing your space. She appears to be an old white lady who wears harem pants and fuzzy UGG slides, and when Bündchen was leaving her office she threw up the prayer hands. We know Bündchen was feeling good because the Daily Mail also reported that she spent 40 minutes in a CVS afterward. What is better than languidly moving through the aisles of a drug store?

More evidence that Bündchen is winning came from Page Six, who got photos of the model out with the kids on Tuesday sans wedding ring. Not to bring my own life into this, but as a child of divorce, once that ring comes off it usually stays off.

However it is also being reported, this time by Us Weekly, that the former Victoria’s Secret Angel is open to reconciling with her loser husband. “Gisele is waiting for Tom to make a big gesture of support to her,” a source told the tabloid. Fans will remember that he did do that earlier this year, when he announced he would be retiring from the sport that his wife vocally despises. He famously took that back, so I don’t know if she should hold her breath.

Bündchen is obviously the winner here. She’s cleansing her aura, she’s dropping the dead weight, and she still looks amazing. Brady, on the other hand, looks more like a skeleton every day, and for what? To lead the Buccaneers to two consecutive losses, likely with many more to come this season? You either retire the hero or play long enough to be divorced in Tampa, Florida.