George Clooney Drafts His Toddlers in Ongoing Prank Wars

'Ocean’s Fourteen' now set to involve a heist at a preschool

US actor George Clooney arrives for "The Tender Bar" premiere at the Directors Guild of America Thea...
The Descendants

No one is safe from George Clooney. The actor slash tequila magnate will prank anyone and everyone, and now he has two little minions to aid in his ongoing goofs.

At the premiere of his latest directorial effort, The Tender Bar, Clooney’s wife Amal Clooney told Entertainment Tonight that the Ocean’s Eleven star has been a “great” teacher to their four-year-old twins Alexander and Ella during the pandemic.

“He's mainly teaching pranks for the time being," the human rights attorney said. "But we'll see if it develops."

Oh, Amal. It will absolutely develop. For the uninformed, Clooney has been pulling pranks for decades. When he was living on Richard Kind’s couch in the ‘90s, he took a shit in Kind’s kitten’s litter box. He once put a pot leaf-shaped bumper sticker on Brad Pitt’s car that said “Fuck Cops.” His classic move is to get stationary made with a famous friend’s name on the letterhead and then use it to send letters to other famous people, such as the various “pitch letters” he composed in Pitt’s name.

This is all to say that those little twins are going to be absolute devils. The real question is: What kind of pranks can you teach to toddlers? Here is some inspiration for Clooney & Co:

  • Draw up fake birth certificates to convince fellow twins Vivienne and Knox Jolie-Pitt that their real dad is Matt Damon.
  • If Amal wants to get in on the action, she can teach the children to say “Leatherheads” when asked what their favorite movie of their dad’s is.
  • Take another shit in Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box.

If Clooney wants to take any of these ideas, he can have them. My fee is $1 million cash delivered in a Tumi suitcase.