E! Demands We Pick a Favorite Baby

I feel very comfortable saying that no one I know is having the best year of their life. The pandemic is raging on, climate change continues to ravage our planet, and whatever happening with the supply chain seems pretty bad. But we cannot have dark without light, and through all the misery of this year a few lucky people managed to find bright spots in the form of having children. So now we must do what we do all remotely good things: turn them into content for the hungry masses.

To this end, E! Online posted a series of polls today, asking readers to “raise a sippy cup to Hollywood's growing population and give E! your thoughts on 2021's celeb offspring.” With polls ranging from “The New Celeb Offspring You'd Happily Babysit” to “The 2022 Arrival You're Already Knitting A Blanket For,” E!’s post repeatedly pits baby against baby, celebrity against celebrity, and only one can win — well four, considering there are four different polls and thus four opportunities to be the winning baby. Of course, I want you to be an informed voter, so I’ve made you a guide for putting your ballot where your mouth is.

Prop 1: The New Celeb Offspring You’d Happily Babysit

This question presupposes that any of us would want to spend time with a celebrity’s child, which is a little bold. That being said, these are babies, so they probably aren’t entitled little demons just yet. On the other hand, I doubt their parents would let you nuke a couple chicken nuggets and sit them in front of the TV for the night. The obvious choice here is Cardi B and Offset’s baby boy, because I think they’d be pretty chill about how you and the baby spend your time together. I bet they pay well too.

Prop 2: The Pregnancy Confession That Had You Applauding

Hmm, which woman should we commend for her bravery? The one who talked about wearing sweatpants while pregnant or the one who talked candidly about postpartum depression? Trick question, obviously we’re voting for “Ashley Tisdale revealing her breastfeeding experience was hard AF.”

Prop 3: The Baby Name You’d Love to Steal for Yourself

This is the part of the ballot that is most like voting for Civil Court Judges. I’m looking at this and thinking, “Who is that? Should I just fill in a bubble? Do Elle King and Dan Tooker have good politics?” I may never know, and as such will be voting with my heart. Lauren Morelli and Samira Wiley’s daughter George takes the cake, but only because it’s the name of the person editing this blog and I want him to like it.

Prop 4: The 2022 Arrival You’re Already Knitting a Blanket For

This is it. This is the big one. Who are you already knitting a blanket for? It does seem like we’ve got some corruption on the ballot (Why is Jennifer Lawrence the only one whose offspring is referred to as simply “baby?”), but we’re smarter than that. Partnership is so important in raising a child, and that is why we must all throw our weight behind “Mia & Darren Criss’ ‘ultimate collab.’”

Now go get out to the polls, people! And if you’re still in line? Stay in line!