Congrats to These B-List Royals on Their Promotions

Thursday was a big day for King Charles III, the 73-year-old royal formerly known as Charles, Duke of Cornwall, Duke of Rothesay, and Prince of Wales, and presently known as King Karl III, if you’re in Russia. First, his mom died and then he got a job: King of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, as well as 14 other Commonwealth realms. It’s about as exciting as anything that’s ever happened to Charles, including “Poundbury,” the New Urbanist planned community he’s been overseeing since the 1980s.

But the rising tide of one Windsor death lifts all Windsor boats, in the sense that many of Charles’s other inbred relatives will also get a promotion. The protocol can be confusing, as the family starts to get a bit random on the edges. Have you ever heard of August Brooksbank? He’s a baby. He’s also 12th in line for the throne. One natural disaster could wipe out the competition and get England some much cuter-faced currency. In any case, the royal lineup has officially changed and is looking pretty young. More than half of the potential successors are kids:

1. King Charles III: The King.
2. William, Prince of Wales: Charles’s son and Kate’s husband.
3. Prince George: William and Kate’s son, age nine.
4. Princess Charlotte: William and Kate’s daughter, age seven.
5. Prince Louis: William and Kate’s other son, age four.
6. Harry, Duke of Sussex: Charles’s son and Meghan’s husband.
7. Archie Mountbatten-Windsor: Harry and Meghan’s son, age three.
8. Lilibet Mountbatten-Windsor: Harry and Meghan’s daughter, age one.
9. Andrew, Duke of York: Charles’s brother and Jeffrey Epstein’s sweatless friend.
10. Princess Beatrice: Andrew’s daughter.
11. Sienna Mapelli Mozzi: Princess Beatrice’s daughter, 11 months old.
12. Princess Eugenie: Andrew’s other daughter.
13. August Brooksbank: Eugenie’s son, age one.
14. Prince Edward: Charles’s other brother.
15. James, Viscount Severn: Edward’s son, age 14.
16. Lady Louise Mountbatten-Windsor: Edward’s daughter, age 18.
17. Princess Anne: Charles’s sister.
18. Peter Phillips: Anne’s son.
19. Savannah Phillips: Peter Phillips’s daughter, age 11.
20. Isla Phillips: Peter Phillips’s other daughter, age 10.
21. Zara Tindall: Anne’s daughter.
22. Mia Tindall: Zara’s daughter, age eight.
23. Lena Tindall: Zara’s other daughter, age four.
24. Lucas Tindall: Zara’s son, age one.

Congrats to all of them. As if that weren’t honor enough, a few royal family members will also get new names:

CAMILLA

Charles’s one true love and longtime mistress (allegedly), Camilla has been operating under the title “Duchess of Cornwall,” rather than “Princess of Wales” — the title associated with Charles’s late bride, Princess Diana. But that’s old history now. Cam woke up this morning with a role better suited to her skillset: Queen Consort. That sounds like a euphemism for a high-end escort, but it is the traditional coinage for a non-ruling Queen.

WILLIAM & KATE

William has been wasting away with the title “Duke of Cambridge.” He is still the Duke of Cambridge, but his email sign-offs will be a bit longer, as he is now also the Duke of Cornwall, the Prince of Wales (for arcane procedural reasons, he won’t inherit this until it’s bestowed upon him by the monarch, his father), and the recipient of the Scottish titles of “Duke of Rothesay,” “Earl of Carrick,” “Baron of Renfrew,” “Lord of the Isles,” and “Prince and Great Steward of Scotland,” according to the Daily Mail. Kate, who had been going by Duchess of Cambridge, can also now claim Duchess of Cornwall and Princess of Wales.

THEIR KIDS

Will and Kate have three kids: Prince George, Princess Charlotte, and Prince Louis. Since their great-grandmother passed, they have basically the same titles, but you add “of Cornwall and Cambridge” to the end, and once Will becomes Prince of Wales, they’ll have that as well.

HARRY & MEGHAN

They quit, so they don’t get new jobs. After stepping back from their familial duties in 2020, the couple kept their official titles, as Duke and Duchess of Sussex, but lost their privileges to be addressed as “His/Her Royal Highness.” Tough luck.

The couple may actually get demoted instead. The Daily Mail reported that King Chuck was considering a soft-launch of a “slimmed-down monarchy,” which would limit the “working family” — meaning royals who can show up as representatives of the royal family at fancy events — to a core group of seven people. This new move, per the Mail, could leave “Princes Harry and Andrew out in the cold forever.”

THEIR KIDS

Harry and Meghan have two tots, Lilibet and Archie Mountbatten-Windsor. Even though their parents cast off the royal family to move to Montecito, their ginger progeny are technically now Prince and Princess, and the first babies or people of any age to hold the titles “Prince/Princess of Sussex.” Hopefully someone will write that on their cubbies when the kids enroll in Crossroads, or whichever Los Angeles private school their parents select.

EDWARD & SOPHIE

For almost two decades, Charles’s youngest brother Edward and his wife Sophie have been hanging out as the Earl and Countess of Wessex. According to the Mail, there’s a chance that the couple could get boosted up to Duke and Duchess of Edinburgh, a title that belonged to Ed’s dad, Philip, and that went to Charles after Phil died in April. That’s fun, I think. I don’t know what any of these titles mean.