Celebrity Divorce Watch: Christina Haack From "Flip or Flop"

This marriage will flop

Art by Jack Koloskus
Allie Jones
Sorry to Say

Are you familiar with the name Christina Haack? Maybe so, considering the fact that you clicked on this post. But if not, here’s what you need, or perhaps want, to know: Christina Haack (f.k.a. Christina El Moussa and Christina Anstead) is a 38-year-old HGTV personality best known for the program Flip or Flop, which she hosts with her first ex-husband, Tarek El Moussa. She has 1.7 million followers on Instagram and very blonde hair. I have never seen an episode of Flip or Flop, but I feel like I know exactly what’s going on with Ms. Haack anyway, because she is on the cover of People or Us Weekly every other week due to her exciting personal life.

This week, our star is making headlines because, “after weeks of speculation,” she has confirmed that she is engaged to her boyfriend Joshua Hall. Who is Joshua Hall? I’m sorry to say it doesn’t matter, because these two people are 100 percent getting divorced.

I don’t say this to be mean; I just think it’s important to manage our expectations when it comes to the longevity of Haack’s marriages. In the last three years, Haack has filed for divorce twice: First, from El Moussa, to whom she was married for nine years, and second, to fellow reality TV personality Ant Anstead, to whom she was married for less than two years. (Anstead, who hosts shows about cars, is now dating Renée Zellweger, and they seem very happy together. El Moussa is engaged to Heather from Selling Sunset.)

As you can see, Haack’s marriages have gotten progressively shorter. At this rate, her legal commitment to Hall should last about six to eight months. Luckily, that’s plenty of time to rack up more tabloid coverage. Take, for example, her marriage to Anstead: In the time they were together, she made four separate People covers, opening up exclusively about her first divorce, finding love again, getting married, having another baby, and then, unfortunately, getting divorced again. (Also one was about her “revenge body.”)

So far, her relationship with Hall has been even more exciting. For one thing, it started with Haack smoking toad venom. I met Josh when I wasn’t in a state of fear or fight-or-flight,” Haack shared in an Instagram post in July. “I had taken time off social, hired a spiritual coach and smoked a Bufo toad (which basically reset my brain and kicked out years of anxiety in 15 mins). When we met this past spring, the synchronicities hit us so hard and fast they were impossible to ignore.”

Cool!! A month after revealing this new relationship, Haack posted another photo in which she could be seen wearing a big diamond ring. Then she deleted the photo and reposted it with the ring photoshopped out. (TMZ covered the play-by-play.)

And then, last week, she finally confirmed that she is, in fact, engaged to this man named Josh. People.com posted six different stories about it in the span of a week, including my personal favorite:

Wow, awesome, indeed. According to E! News, her third engagement ring is a five-carat, radiant-cut diamond worth $200,000 (but I suspect Hall did not pay that much as the couple has prominently thanked the jeweler in several Instagram posts and interviews). I wish these two a happy marriage and a speedy division of assets when the time comes.

This has been Celebrity Divorce Watch. Previously: Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard.