Cameron Diaz, Come Back

We know you don't want to, but we have some ideas.

The US actress Cameron Diaz smiles during TV show at the Baden arena in Offenburg, Germany, 05 April...
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Triumphant Returns

One of Hollywood’s saddest stories is that Cameron Diaz’s final film was 2014’s Annie. In a just world, Diaz would have at least two Oscar nominations (for her performances as Dyslexic Slut in In Her Shoes and Frizzy-Haired Wife in Being John Malkovich), but in this case the arc of history has bent toward not taking beautiful, funny women seriously.

Unfortunately for us, Diaz has now retired from acting and is focused on her “clean wine” brand and also being a mother to her daughter Raddix.

According to a source in Us Weekly, Diaz is completely happy with her decision to retire. “It took a lot of guts and a lot of thought for her to actually step away, but she looks back now and is proud she did it,” the source told the tabloid. “There are no regrets, and her life is way more balanced and healthy — both mentally and physically — than it was when she was charging around from role to role.”

Ugh, that’s fair, I guess.

I am not the only person who wishes Diaz would return to the screen. The Us Weekly source said that the Charlie’s Angels actress has “had numerous offers but politely declined them each and every time.”

What were those offers? Well, there’s no way to know for sure, but that has never stopped me from wildly speculating. Here are the projects from the last eight years that I think Diaz would have been incredible in.

Any of Charlize Theron’s “Funny” Roles

I think Theron is very talented, but you cannot tell me that Diaz wouldn’t have been perfect in Long Shot. Even in some of Theron’s more serious fare — specifically Bombshell and Tully — Diaz would have shone. Picture Diaz in Megyn Kelly drag — pretty good, no? Also Cate Blanchett’s role in Don’t Look Up.

Big Little Lies

Surely there was space in Monterey for a woman who moves up north from Los Angeles and messes with the energy of the drop-off lane with her rich stoner aura.

The Morning Show

Speaking of Reese Witherspoon, Diaz should be on The Morning Show. I don’t care where. That show is already bananas, why not add one more charismatic blonde woman into the mix. Diaz would play Jennifer Aniston’s frenemy, a host of a rival morning show. She would become mired in scandal when a video is released of her doing blow off of a male stripper’s chest.

Whatever Sean Baker Wants Her To Do

Maybe an aging porn star who’s a longtime friend of Simon Rex’s character in Red Rocket. Or a woman who’s lived in Willem Dafoe’s Florida Project motel for over a decade. We all know Diaz can go big, but I do think she would be phenomenal in a small, naturalistic indie. She could do one here and there to appease those who don’t respect her comedic talents. No offense, but I’m sure she’ll fare better than her Morning Show co-star Jennifer Aniston’s dramatic turn in Cake.

The Knives Out Cinematic Universe

Do I have to do everything around here? Diaz as a rich buffoon who may or may not be a murderer? Not to be hyperbolic, but I think that would be the thing to finally bring this country together.

The Racist White Lady in a Period Drama

Think Kirsten Dunst in Hidden Figures. I am not trying to be rude, but I can really picture Diaz in a movie where she tells a Black person that they can’t drink from a certain water fountain. Maybe that would finally get the Academy’s attention.