Bill Maher's Gay Blowjob Trolley Problem

Last night, 66-year-old father of zero Bill Maher went on Jimmy Kimmel Live to promote his new interview podcast, “Club Random,” and his new HBO comedy special, #Adulting, as well as to bemoan cancel culture’s “war on jokes.” Luckily he is on the front lines of this war, bruised and bloody, protecting my freedom of speech and yours by daring to ask: What would be an adequate reward to convince him to give another man a blow job?

“You’ve been in an orgy, I assume,” Kimmel asks Maher right off the bat, referencing a topic from earlier in the show and setting the scene for some comedic hijinx.

“I would not want to be in an orgy,” Maher responds. “There’s guys in it!” At this point, you can feel the different factions of the war on jokes taking sides in the audience. In one corner you have the principled truth tellers, practically screaming in ecstasy at Maher’s hilarious remark. In the other, the pronoun-thumping TikTok teens with anxiety disorders are calling 911 to report him for wrongthink. Well I’d like to see them sell out the Smart Financial Center in Sugar Land, TX.

“Okay, well,” Kimmel responds, “If it meant it would solve world hunger, would you fellate another man?” Classic yes-anding here, and I have to tip my hat. So would Bill do it? Please let him say yes. That would be so hot to imagine.

“If it would stop everyone from starving, yes I would,” he says. “Me too,” agrees Jimmy, and the crowd bursts into applause — a brief respite from the joke war, amid all the pillaging. But here Bill sees an opening for one of his classic philosophical hypotheticals, akin to the famous trolley problem.

“That’s an easy question because you’re saying everyone. What about just ten people?” Maher and Kimmel seem to agree that saving just ten people from dying of hunger would not be enough of a reward to convince them to give a beej to another man.

Now I can feel you getting uncomfortable. “Here he goes,” you’re thinking, “this 19-year-old college campus terror, drunk on critical race theory and egged on by his three LGBTQ-inclusive psychiatrists. He’s going to cancel Bill Maher.” Well, I’m not. But what I will do is ask: How many people being saved from hunger would be enough for him to consider giving another man a blow job? Bill, you have a week to respond. Otherwise I am reporting you to Hannah Gadsby.