Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis Prefer to Keep an Unwashed Family

They claim to bathe their kids with the same regularity as I would a dog

Actor Mila Kunis poses for a picture with her husband actress Ashton Kutcher on the red carpet for t...
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That ‘70s Show living relics Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis aren’t just a power couple, they believe in the power of the body’s natural oils. The pair recently went on professional husband-turned-audio personality Dax Shepard’s “Armchair Expert” podcast to talk about crypto (of course), but along the way they shared their family of four’s hygiene hack. Namely: not really washing.

“I don’t wash my body with soap every day, but I wash pits and tits and holes and soles,” said Kunis, employing a novel rhyme that I expect to see in a Rupi Kaur poem any day now. Meanwhile, Kutcher washes only his “armpits and crotch” every day, but “nothing else ever.”

The same cleanliness philosophy extends to their children, who are six and four years old. Kunis and Kutcher said they don’t wash their kids every day. “If you can see the dirt, clean them. Otherwise there’s no point,” said Kutcher, articulating the same approach that I was advised to use when giving my childhood dog a bath.

I’m loath to employ Twitter wisdom here, but remember when there was a big to-do on there about white people not washing their legs? Is that still a thing? Is that a thing that’s applicable to this celebrity duo, who are so wealthy and successful and have such a beautiful home equipped with at least one luxurious soaking tub that I’m sure they could bathe several times a day if they so desired?

It should be noted that Monica Padman, Shepard’s podcast co-host and the only non-white person participating in the conversation, was also the sole dissenting voice among the four: “I can’t believe I am in the minority here of washing my whole body in the shower. Who taught you to not wash?”

For what it’s worth, according to the armchair expert that is the American Academy of Dermatology Association, Kutcher and Kunis may be in the clear, as children between the ages of 6 and 11 “may not need a daily bath,” just a couple times a week or after they have gotten dirty, sweaty, or have been in a body of water. As for adults, Harvard Health says people could stand to shower less than once per day, or to take short showers primarily focused on, in modern parlance, pits and holes.

Well, shit, maybe Kunis and Kutcher have a point. But please, God, don’t ever stick me in a closed room with them long enough to find out.