• Lloyd Grove takes a fairly exhaustive look at what it's like to be Jessica Simpson at the VMAs. It kind of makes you sick, but then so did Dukes of Hazzard. [Lowdown]
• Then on Page Six there's the whole VMA pre- and post-party gossip rundown, which is almost as boring and lackluster as the actual VMAs. [Page Six]
• Anna Wintour's boyfriend's daughter gets a promotion at Vogue Vanity Fair (Like you're not totally lazy at your job?!). Is it still nepotism if you're not related except by gross, old person casual sex? [Page Six]
• Will Harry Morton propose to Lindsay Lohan? Will Lindsay Lohan accept? Will that rash ever clear up? [TMZ]
• A restaurateur in the Hamptons rescues Susan Lucci from a flooded convertible. Some fat lady in the midwest is so happy she's throwing a party for her million cats. [R&M, 2nd Item]

· It was certainly a busy day of celebrity jailhouse photography for The Smoking Gun, who followed up handsy MTV uncle Don Vito with Haley Joel Osment's new headshot. Perhaps most notable is Osment's stated height and weight, which spotlight the growth-stunting consequences of alcohol and marijuana use for a former child actor.
Great art is so much less interesting when the artist forces an interpretation on you.
Adrien Grenier stands accused of wearing a brown shirt to the Emmys.
We're starting to lose track of many publicist-planted gossip items we've recently read mentioning how Lindsay Lohan is "cleaning up her act," so that's probably a signal that Lindsay Sloane Zelnick hasn't left her office since the Morgan Creek Letter Incident.
Seriously, not even one bid on the Defamer toast? We're heartsick.

· We're pretty sure that when Mr. Internet first drew up his plans for the webosphere, he envisioned it solely as a means through which people could place bids on items of food half-eaten by pop stars and their layabout husbands.
· The first wave of inevitable Redstone Vs. Cruise t-shirts arrives, with Team Redstone apparel now on sale on CafePress. Next up: the Team Cruise "I wasn't fired, I quit" shirt.
· The Reeler takes a look at the Jewish Babe Renaissance led by Rachel Weisz, Natalie Portman, and Scarlett Johannson. Please insert your own joke about how this might affect Mel Gibson's feelings about the Chosen People.
· It's no Stuff On My Cat or Cats in Sinks, but RecordStoreCats isn't bad—and has a much higher potential for feline-induced motion sickness.
· William H. Macy on Lindsay Lohan and others of her inconsiderate, entitled, late-to-set ilk: "There is not an apology big enough in the world to have to make 150 people scramble. It's nothing but disrespect. And Lindsay Lohan is not the only one. A lot of actors show up late as if they're God's gift to the film. It's inexcusable, and they should have their asses kicked."

• Nikki Finke reveals the missing money quote from the War of the Worlds: Viacom Vs. Cruise edition. [Deadline Hollywood]
• William H Macy wants to can Lindsay Lohan, probably because she dated Jared Leto briefly in '05. [Celebrity Week]
• The themes are: Incest, drug addiction, and promiscuous sex. Hmmm must be a Marie Claire party. [FWD]
• This couple from the m nage a laptop story real do get around [Salon]
• Video of 6'7" Jewish Rapper with dreadlocks. Nuff said, no? [ANIMAL]
• Katrina Anniversary Concert: featuring The Roots, Moby, Rosie Perez, Julia Stules and more. [Beyond Katrina]

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are crafted by you, our readers, and posted throughout the week. Send them often to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and let the world know about the time you saw Mandy Patinkin head off to soap his privates at your local athletic club.

• K-Fed boasts to having "amazing-ass test scores" on his GED. As for Britney, no comment. [Lowdown]

• Gee, where did the Forbes article by Michael Noer — the asswipe who advises against marrying a woman who has goals that extend beyond wiping up baby poop — go? Suddenly it's not online! (Ironically enough, we hear that Noer himself is currently away at a wedding, of all things.) Perhaps one of Noer's female bosses realized it'd be best not to publish work by a reactionary douchebag. Who, we might add, is NOT that attractive. Yep, we're going low. Mwa. [Forbes]
• Bonus: nine perfectly good reasons you should marry a power whore. [Hipster Pit]
• In order to promote her new album, Paris Hilton hacks her way into Lindsay Lohan's voicemail. Really, we don't believe she's smart enough to pull off something like this, but her PR team is certainly smart enough to organize a campaign accusing her of such. [TMZ]
• TMZ reports that Horatio Sanz and Will Forte are out at Saturday Night Live; FishbowlNY says it's Sanz and Chris Parnell. Either way, we're getting rid of Sanz, thank God. Maybe they'll hire someone who can keep a straight face and stay in character for more than 23 seconds?
• Rupert Murdoch and Bill Clinton's friendship makes for great UK tabloid contests. [Daily Politics]
• New Marie Claire editor Joanna Coles is no Tina Brown, mostly because she's the editor of Marie Claire. [NYSun]

There was a time not too long ago when two overexposed starlets could settle their differences in a manner no more complicated than meeting in the VIP area of a crowded, overly trendy club, offering one another withering, body-tracing stares, and then, after a moment of calm in which one could almost hear uninhaled cocaine particles tumble from nearby tables and onto the floor, start beating the ever-living shit out of each other until yanked apart by their respective posses. Regrettably, we are now living in the days of nasty, Sidekick-deployed text messages, prank voicemails, and cloaked Caller IDs, a too-connected reality that leads celebutards to opt for cowardly technobullying over the visceral, problem-solving efficacy of an expertly yanked weave. According to TMZ.com, Paris Hilton recently had something called a SpoofCard canceled for allegedly trying to break into unauthorized voicemail boxes, and in an amazing coincidence, Lindsay Lohan was among the victims of box-hackers like Hilton and 50 other customers booted from the service for their shenanigans. Lohan's flack has passed the issue along to her lawyers, Hilton's rep couldn't be reached, and we're left wondering when the two rivals will rediscover the simple joys of girl-on-girl gladitorialism.

We don't lightly link to another video clip of the same thing in the same day, but we are in the closing weeks of summer, and quite frankly, this is excellent no matter the time of year. We mentioned Diddy's new video blog, highlighting his just-awakened self. Above, the man rags on Lindsay Lohan and Jessica Simpson for endorsing Proactiv acne treatment, which Diddy claims he's been "up on" for seven years, hence his "silky smooth cocoa butter skin." Oh yes.

• From his damp prison cell, Michael Lohan sends Lloyd Grove an editorial cartoon depicting his relationship with daughter Lindsay Lohan. We think this guy's got a future with the New Yorker. [Lowdown]
• Oprah chooses 73 of the most camera-ready (but needy!) girls to attend a school she's built in South Africa. [BBC]
• There's no way in hell that Victoria Beckham has this much flesh on her ass. [Us Weekly]
• You know why Kate Moss never says anything? Because she's a complete idiot. The model was rumored to be marrying junkie rocker Pete Doherty in a small ceremony in Indonesia; Doherty was detained in London on drug charges, alas, so we'll have to wait to see how far Moss' stupidity can go. [Gatecrasher]
• For the next season of Survivor, contestants are rumored to be split up according to race. Like that's not going to cause some major issues on and off the island. [Page Six]
• Steven Soderbergh puts an end to his Ocean's franchise one film too late. [IMDb]
• Samantha Cole, the otherwise unremarkable "singer" who slept with philandering Peter Cook back in the 90s, keeps her name in Page Six by screaming at a model, who called Cole a whore and then dumped ice in her lap. For once, we really like models. [Page Six]

NY Daily News JV gossip Lloyd Grove once again finds himself the vessel through which incarcerated, would-be stage parent Michael Lohan delivers the stunning results of the Lindsay-inspired creative powers unleashed by his prison term, as the source of the actress's profound daddy issues follows up last year's jailhouse ditty with this haunting, beautifully rendered cartoon illustrating the nefarious forces conspiring to keep father and daughter apart. We've helpfully labeled some of the artistic representations of evil besetting Michael and Lindsay on all sides to save you from taxing your interpretive faculties so early in the morning: the CAA agent removing any troubling parental interference in his earner's career; muscular, demonic Cocaine demanding worship by dangling a cross; menacing Dehydration, ready to punish a long day of hard work with the touch of his desiccating, swoon-inducing finger; the Paparazzi, who ensure that no picked-over meal at The Ivy goes undocumented; and Paris Hilton, the dark, omnipresent figure always looming on the fringe of Lindsay's troubles. Note also the single shoe in the foreground, a heartbreaking totem of the footwear-related violence that resulted in Lohan's forced separation from his beloved little girl. We could easily dedicate years to deconstructing imagery this complex.

• Lindsay's "friend" swears up and down that Lohan is off the nose candy. Just because she's not doing it with you, honey... [Gatecrasher]
• Anna Wintour's interior designer/party planner David Monn has dared to ditch the Vogue editor. After two years of designing her precious Costume Insitute Gala, Monn didn't get so much as a namecheck in the latest Vogue write-up, so he dumped Wintour from his client list. Hellfire, brimstone TK. [Page Six]
• Pete Doherty has been arrested again for possession. This has to be some sort of record, either for drug arrests or utter stupidity. [RS]
• Samantha Cole, the other questionable lady who once slept with Christie Brinkley's philandering hubby Peter Cook, still can't parlay her revived infamy into getting her CD played at a club. [R&M (2nd to last)]
• It's official: the Hoff is a single man. Why are your pants still on?? [Us Weekly]
• Paris Hilton does shots of water, because she hates the taste of alcohol. Besides, she's just as wasted when she's drinking water. [TMZ]
• The secret to a thriving PR company? Cocaine. Not just for your clients, but for yourself. Yay! [Page Six]

· A tip from chapter 5 of Britney Spears' forthcoming book on child-rearing, Lookit Me, I'm A Moms, Y'all!: To make sure that your second child feels special, go on the record saying that he or she was just an accident.
A tip from chapter 3 of Lindsay Lohan's book on how to succeed in the movie business, Fuck You, I'll Show Up On Set Just As Soon As I'm Good And Ready And My Body Is Done Rejecting The Shit I Don't Remember Drinking Last Night, Mr. Bossy Asshole A.D., And Who The Fuck Do You Think You Are, My Father?: Once your spotty attendance record and overall lack of professional courtesy become an issue, bring in some cupcakes!
You know what, now that you mention it, it does seem weird that Tom Cruise is always rescuing people. He's just a lucky guy, we guess.
Probably not a day goes by where we don't look down at our What Would Stephen Baldwin Do? bracelet while contemplating an important life decision and then make the right choice—especially when deciding whether or not to have a three-way with God.

Today's somewhat synchronicitous appearance of both Kate Bosworth nipple-slip (link NSFW) and Lindsay Lohan side-boob photos offers a great time to note where two of Hollywood's hottest young actresses currently fall on the Eating Disorder/Plastic Surgery Axis. While Lohan's signature curves continue an inspiring, if suspicious, rebound after a disputed dalliance with "bulimia" (maybe she's retaining the massive quantities of bottled water she's consuming in the right places?), Bosworth still seems to be travelling further into the direction of Pompeoesque, devastating thinness, indicating her possible adoption of the Big Fat Plate of Nothing Diet. Maybe Bosworth can take some inspiration from the healthy, clean-living Lohan and try to regain her more shapely Blue Crush figure before her body devours her areolas for sustenance, making further nipple-slip photos a much more disturbing affair.

This Sunday's NY Times, finding a jumping-off point in Gwyneth Paltrow's instantly derided "I Am African" ad and Madonna's recent, ten-minutes-behind-the-trend push into Malawi, turns its attention to the rapidly cooling continent whose myriad problems are the current fascination of celebrities looking to combine a vague intention to, like, do something socially responsible n' junk with some excellent opportunities for favorable publicity. Says the Times:

· Inspired by today's Gwyneth Paltrow ad, a reader whipped up this delightful reinterpretation for Mel Gibson. We think he's well on his way to total forgiveness.
If you don't want your t-shirt to mess around with all these "sugar tits" niceties and just cut to the chase, this fine "schmuck"-based garment seems like a good option.
Big day for Lindsay Lohan! Page Six says the Chateau is threatening her with homelessness, while TMZ claims she's finally attracted her first stalker. We've said it before, but we're always shocked that they grow up so fast.
Survivor's Fat, Naked, Tax-Evading Guy says he will not rest until he catches the one-armed prosecutor who threw him in jail.
· For the low, low price of $8,000 per hour, you too can fly in the private jet where Jim Carrey porks Jenny McCarthy.

• Dina Lohan has a television show in the works, and it sounds like some sort of morning talk show. Gosh, we hope she gives out parenting advice. [Star]
• And while mummy is busy furthering her own career, poor little Lindsay has a stalker. [TMZ]
• Meet Julius, the "porn foley artist." [YouTube]
• When publicists attack! Or spam! [Jack & Hill]
• Know your Frank Bruni, thanks to this handy kitchen flyer. [Eater]
• How to contact Evil — directly. [Animal]
• British tabloid and News Corp. property News of the World finds itself into a little phone-tapping mess. Just like our government, but without the terror. [WSJ]
• Queens gets fucked. Again. Why don't y'all move to Manhattan already? [Reuters]

• Linday Lohan's late night party habits may get her kicked out of her LA "home," the Chateau Marmont. It's not that the hotel mind the ruckus — they just really want to avoid another Belushi incident. Take it to the Roosevelt, missy. [Page Six]
• As there really is no limit to Britney Spears' stupidity, she's rumored to be renewing her vows with K-Fed and giving him a black AmEx card. It's amazing this girl can wipe her own ass. Or maybe we shouldn't assume. [Scoop]
• Lloyd Grove copies bitchy Conde Nast cafeteria comment cards, makes column of them, goes back to sleep. [Lowdown]
• If you live in Jodie Foster's West Village building, don't ask her for a cup of milk or some sugar, because she'll be a bitch about it. [Page Six]
• Speaking of bitches, Kanye West was a real treat at Lollapalooza. [R&M]
• The wit and wisdom of Flavor Flav. [Us Weekly]
• Diddy hires a hot piece of Kwat as his new manager. [Page Six]

• Because this world has the endless capacity for incredible cruelty, a woman tried to mug Dustin Diamond — n Samuel "Screech" Powers — in his Omaha hotel room yesterday. While we believe anything Screech tells us, we've got to wonder how the woman got into his hotel room. Did she look like Lisa Turtle? [TMZ]
• Send Lohan to Iraq! Please! [AP]
• This is the second time today we've mentioned Esquire's "I've Got Two Hoo-Hoos" article, but if you've not yet read it, you MUST. We can't stress it enough. A sample: "I lost my virginity twice. The first time was when I was eighteen. Then I lost the other side two weeks later. To the same guy." [Esquire]
• David Duchovny massages Bart Freundlich's supple breast. [Getty]
• The shitstorm surrounding Diana Bianchi/Christie Brinkley/Peter Cook is doing wonders for the career of down-and-out singer Samantha Cole, who's finally reaping the rewards from sleeping with Cook a decade ago. [NYP]
• Floyd Landis is but a pawn in the war between Good Morning America and the Today show. [TV Squad]
• Page Six sets a good example, recycles. [One Park Avenue Realty]
• The HuffPo gets $5 million and what do they do? Publish a Woman's Studies major from Wellesley who lives in Brooklyn and writes about Sleater Kinney. Ungrateful sonuvabitches. [HuffPo]
• Britons beat off for charity, whereas Americans do it for themselves. [Reuters]
• Cindy Adams finally gets the star treatment. [NYT]

We know that today's Roger Friedman Fox 411 column revealed that Lindsay Lohan has abandoned her frequently dehydrated ways to become the Fiji water-toting, teetotaling picture of temperance, responsibility, and all-around sugar-and-spice-and-everything-nice-ness, but there was a time not too long ago when the actress was rumored to not have the best on-set habits or attendance records. The WOW Report posts this account of the antics on the set of Herbie: Fully Loaded which earned Lohan the undying love and devotion of her co-workers: