PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are now posted several times a week—so start sending them in more often. Send yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and let the world hear all about the time Aaron Sorkin betrayed his high-minded comic tastes for the hilarious, acorn-hoarding hijinks of a prehistoric squirrel.

Panty-eschewing party starlet Lindsay Lohan has been vocal about her aspirations to graduate from light comedy to the more meaty parts that might better show off her impressive emotional range. But while her idea of stretching is to gravitate to grittier roles that ultimately don't require her to stray very far from her safe-zone, trusted advisor and Queen of the Self-Destruction Enabling Cool Moms, Dina Lohan, wishes her daughter would take a real risk by starring in a Tomb Raider-style action movie:

Scarlett Johansson is not promiscuous, Well, maybe she is a little when she's, like, single and "dating." But right now she's in a relationship, so she's totally not "sexually available," OK?
Idolator's compiled a collection of the worst national anthem renditions you could ever want to hear. Warning: Scott Stapp is featured.
· Australian kids might miss out on their chance to see a hung-over Lindsay Lohan croak her way through some awards show banter.
Now that Penelope Cruz has more than a handful of American movies under her belt, she's finally going to take a crack at learning English. [second item] Also, she's pretty lesbian friendly.
· Maggie Gyllenhaal Lease Signatory Shocker: Actress Won't Be Evicted, Says Lawyer!

If we were to tell you that a marketing research firm dedicated considerable resources to determining the values of 46 discrete personality attributes for nearly three thousand celebrities, and that one of the categories their study sought to measure was "overexposure," we'd wager that you could rattle off with hardly any effort at least ten of the top 12 scorers. (We'd never ask you to actually follow through on this exercise, but should you get the urge to sacrifice no more than five neurons to this test of mental rigor, be our guest.) In their story on this breakthrough scientific examination of exactly how sick we are of seeing the same dozen or so famous faces over and over again, Forbes examines the test case presented by Jessica Simpson (#12, 41% overexposure rating), who progressed from the humble beginnings of Britney Spears (#2, 62%) clonedom to the kind of recent ubiquity that makes it all but impossible to crack open a fortune cookie without seeing her image alongside a Confucian aphorism altered to relate to the dropping of her latest album:

A Defamer operative on vacation in Australia sent us this camera-phone dispatch from a local newsstand, which once again demonstrates how far American tabloids are lagging behind their overseas competitors in gossip-disseminating technology. Us Weekly, People, and In Touch should be scrambling to replicate whatever advances the Aussie rag Famous have already achieved, which seem to include the ability to fetch stories of celebrity tragedy from the future for present-day reporting.

· A Best Week Ever blogger decides to test-drive Cocaine (the energy drink, not the strawberry-flavored narcotic), and discovers that a drug habit is probably more advisable than another dalliance with the peppery, heart-palpitating beverage.
If Lindsay Lohan really wants to get back at her recent ex and Paris Hilton at the same time, might we suggest she mastermind an easily traceable murder-suicide frame-up? Let's just get everyone out of the way at once.
Meanwhile, American Airlines uses Lohan's own words against her.
· The Thighmaster doesn't seem to be much of a Studio 60 fan. Maybe he's getting back at Aaron Sorkin for that cheap shot about bloggers being spelling-challenged, pajama-clad hacks.
Great news for Silver Lake homeowners—your sudden proximity to the tony shops of Larchmont Boulevard should instantly boost your property values!
· It's been far too long since we've done this, so: Hey, unicorns!

• After breaking up with her boyfriend Harry Morton, rabid starlet Lindsay Lohan enlisted Paris Hilton's ex, Stavros Niarchos, in a complicated plot to make Morton jealous and win him back. Her scheme? Be photographed together. Lindsay, you brilliant minx! Too bad it didn't work. Meanwhile: the Chateau Marmont is finally getting rid of Little Miss Liability. [Page Six]
• Fox News DC bureau chief Kim Hume stepped down last week, supposedly because her husband, Fox News anchor Brit Hume, is an arrogant prick. The two bickered so much that they both independently called head therapist Roger Ailes to complain about one another. [R&M]
• A court throws out David Gest's $10 million lawsuit against his ex-wife, Liza Minnelli, after he's unable to prove that her beatdowns caused him chronic headaches. [NYDN]
• Disappointed to learn that he has no money without Whitney Houston, a ride-less Bobby Brown asks television producers for a new car in exchange for appearing on urban cable network One. [Lowdown]
• Don't buy that tweed blazer from Ralph Lauren; it probably has bedbugs stuffed in its sleeves. [Page Six]
• Star Jones sues the National Enquirer for claiming that her husband, Al Reynolds, is gay. Why is she inexplicably determined to continue the charade for no good reason? Unless, God forbid, she actually doesn't know about Al. [TMZ]

Despite vague, image-rehabilitative intentions to visit the troops in Iraq, Lindsay Lohan will probably never get within 5,000 miles of the Baghdad Green Zone, especially not with her humanitarian mission to liberate every last drop of Grey Goose in Hollywood from their frosted-glass prisons still no more than halfway complete. But thanks to the Defamer Special Middle East Correspondent, we now know that Lohan is doing her part to ease some of the region's turmoil, appearing on the cover of this complimentary magazine [pictured] our far-flung operative discovered in his Amman hotel room to help call attention to Jordan's efforts to clear unexploded landmines and the plight of recent Lebanese refugees. After reading that Lohan's controversial change of hair color was actually a stirring protest against Iran's attempts to become a nuclear superpower, even the most ambivalent, celebrity-obsessed reader won't be able to resist joining the oft-dehydrated starlet's latest geopolitical crusade.

The makers of deceptively named new energy drink Cocaine insist that their product has been made 350 percent stronger than now-pussified jitter-beverage Red Bull by 280 milligrams of street-legal caffeine, not, as you might hope, by a secret, powdery ingredient imported by tied-off condom in the digestive tract of Colombian mules. Still, we assume that the company will do everything they can to fully leverage the power of their adorably controversial brand, from handing out free cans from crowded stalls of Hollywood clubs to paying millions of dollars to officially sponsor the next five years of Lindsay Lohan's life. Really, the marketing campaign writes itself.

• Lindsay Lohan pays her fifth visit to the ER this year, having fractured her wrist in two places after slipping and falling in her Chanel boots. So much for being Karl Lagerfeld's BFF. [Us Weekly]
• Mel Gibson emerges to walk his only daughter down the aisle. If she'd married a Jew, however, he'd just have stayed home. [TMZ]
• Alec Baldwin tells GQ that ex-wife Kim Basinger's unkind words about him were so awful, he wanted to die. Calling the guy Saddam Hussein really cuts to the quick. [Page Six]
• A second autopsy is still inconclusive about the cause of death for Anna Nicole Smith's late son, Daniel. He was taking anti-depressants (wouldn't you?), though there's nothing to indicate a suicidal overdose. [R&M (bottom)]
• Bruce Willis will say just about anything so that you don't call him a Republican. [Lowdown]
• Mary-Kate Olsen protects her mystery dirtbag boyfriend from the Richards sisters' vaginas by aggressively sucking face at Bungalow. [Page Six]

From today's Page Six:

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are now posted several times a week—so start sending them in more often! Send yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and let everyone know about the time you heard the voice of Roger Rabbit bringing some laughter and light to the lives of the downtrodden patrons of a Starbucks in the Valley.

In an interview with Access Hollywood (video available here), Jane Fonda offered some surprisingly frank thoughts on the exploits of her persistently underhydrated and unaccounted for Georgia Rule co-star, Lindsay Lohan:

· Deviant Renee Zellweger fetishists (really, are there any other kind?) will be thrown into a priapic tizzy when they discover that her Bridget Jones granny panties will be up for auction next week, though the erotic appeal might be slightly diminished by Hugh Grant's inconsiderate Sharpie scribbling.
· If you don't know who Lonleygirl15 is, congratulations, you probably have some sort of fulfilling life outside of a YouTube video window. In any case, the LAT and some cybersleuths made her creators confess that she's a "show" to help launch some kind of video site. And to make her fans feel even dirtier, she has ties to CAA.
· What Jeff Killed: It's like Stuff on My Cat, but far deadlier.
· We never really had Homer Simpson pegged for a rapist, but who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of animated men after a few too many cans of Duff?
· Looks like Lindsay Lohan forgot the top half of her underthings this time.
· Newswire lede of the week: "A Slovak driver who crashed into a bus shocked rescuers who found him unconscious and half naked with a vacuum pump on his penis."

• As you may have heard, obscure actress Lindsay Lohan's Birkin bag was stolen at Heathrow airport, and its contents included $1 million in jewelry as well as her "medication." Thankfully, the Birkin has now been recovered, thought its contents seem to still be missing. No biggie: she can always restock on "asthma powder," but scoring that Birkin was a pain in the ass. [TMZ]
• Restalyne: Jessica Simpson's secret shame! [Us Weekly]
• With a little too much time on his hands, former asswipe House Majority Leader Tom DeLay has taken to devoting his energies to campaigning for Dancing With the Stars contestant Sara Evans, a country singer who "represents good American values." Like reality television dance-offs. [Page Six]
• Rev. Al Sharpton, however, is totally rooting for Tucker Carlson. Okay, what the fuck is going on here? Why this show? Why now? Why, at all? [Lowdown]
• Regarding Judy Garland: "Bright sunlight, like running out of Ritalin, made her blown up and lobster-skinned." Way to ruin the gay dream. [R&M]
• You know what? Christopher Reeve totally deserved it. [Page Six]

For all of you who contributed flowers, candles, and Bloomingdale's gift cards to the makeshift sidewalk memorials outside Hyde, Guy's, and the Chateau Marmont last night, your generous spirit and prayers have been answered in the form of a luxury goods miracle: Lindsay Lohan's stolen Hermès handbag has been recovered in the Heathrow Airport parking lot.

Just as the scales of party-whorelet media coverage threatened to tip too deeply in Paris Hilton's favor with reports of the heiress' untimely rendezvous with a salt-rimmed Breathalyzer, who should come trotting along with her own headline-grabbing police matter but Hilton's strawberry-patched nemesis, Lindsay Lohan, whom TMZ says is inconsolably distraught after a handbag allegedly containing $1 million in jewelry was reported stolen off her luggage cart at Heathrow Airport:

· A trio of Vanity Fair alternate covers, in Dennehy, Grey, and Cracked Etch-A-Sketch flavors.
· Michael Lohan had to use his estimable powers of prison yard persuasion to get his fellow inmates to stop jerking off to pictures of his daughter. He's probably not going to be too happy when one of them gets his hands on these.
· The stingray finally apologizes for robbing the world of the Crocodile Hunter.
· Nikki Finke notes that Amy Pascal was supposed to get that fancy promotion a year ago, and that Sumner Redstone is pretty sure he's not going anywhere for another 20 to 30 years.
· Little panda sneeze!

• There's a definitive turning point in the life cycle of any given celebrity, that moment when his or her star has officially fallen from its peak and begins its ugly, if not slow, descent towards irrelevance. That moment unequivocally is the commando crotch shot, and today it belongs to a disturbingly hairless Lindsay Lohan, who's never been so glad those damn baby pictures popped up when they did. [WWTDD]
• Meanwhile, the cost of access to that bald firecrotch is having Lohan as a very bitchy girlfriend. [Page Six]
• And finally, Lohan's incarcerated father asks fellow inmates to please stop rubbing 'em out to pictures of his little girl. [Lowdown (2nd item)]
• K-Fed admits that life with his wife, Britney Spears, is really difficult. Especially when he has to sleep with her. [TMZ]
• Karl Rove loved his big, gay stepdad. [R&M]
• Breaking: Rich people loan other rich people their stuff, free of charge. Related: Rich people like the Hamptons. (That one's breaking, too.) [Page Six]

· "Lindsay, I'm your boyfriend. And I have my hands all over your breasts. You still sticking to your story that they're real?"

· The Crocodile Hunter's tragic death by stingray was caught on film, leading the AP to worry, "In the age of instant Web videos, might it get out?" NBC executives are already monitoring YouTube for its appearance, hoping to get a leg up on optioning it for a series.

· Meanwhile, a largely unsympathetic animal kingdom speaks out on Irwin's passing.

· Publicity-shy Basic Instinct screenwriter Joe Eszterhas thinks Val Kilmer is an imbecile, Michael Douglas is dumb, and that Sharon Stone once unintentionally engaged in water sports with a movie crew.

· Gawker mascot (and onetime Defamer statistician*) Andrew Krucoff uncovers a viral Jackass 2 promotion. [*We only claim a relationship when he urinates on things.]