Memo to Lindsay Lohan: Stop this wicked path of self-destruction you are currently on or suffer the consequences of ending up on the Country Music Channel in twenty years.

Culled from photos found on A Socialite's Life we assembled this montage dubbed: "The Mother, Daughter, and The Holy Gash." We wish Pam, Lindsay and Paris the best of everything in '05 (primarily staying disease/video-free) and thank them for the opportunity to use that damn Kinks reference we always wanted to.

We have moral dilemmas around here too. For example, what would YOU do if you received a totally wacky email that's intriguing yet totally untrue? Well we think for a moment, remember we don't have a legal team to consult, and then print the sucker but only because we dream of a world where all celebrities - man, woman, everyone over 18 - are free of the societal and familial pressures to pose nude in Playboy. Just like Nancy Sinatra in 1995. Anyway, a reader drunkenly types this meritless garbage from a mental institution:

· Lindsay Lohan dumps Endeavor for CAA, who apparently provided her with a much more comprehensive strategy for the further marketing of her assets. Which is no mean feat, considering that Endeavor snagged her $3.5 million per breast from 20th Century Fox. [THR]
· HBO is on the verge of becoming the first network in history to top a billion dollars in profit. And all of this success without Good Morning Miami, Complete Savages, or Center of the Universe. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· For all of those kids who missed out on the whole Matrix thing: An upcoming Constantine videogame will allow players to feel the virtual "Whoa" of becoming Keanu Reeves. [THR]
· Please forgive us, but we must: Uma, Ulla. Ulla,Uma. Etc etc. (Oh, we feel so very unclean.) Uma Thurman may take over for Nicole Kidman in the film version of The Producers. [Variety]
· ESPN is developing a made-for-TV movie about legendary boxer Jack Johnson. Folly! How will they ever top Tom Sizemore's epic turn in Hu$tle? [THR]

At last, photographic evidence that Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan survived Sunday's assault at the Beverly Hills T-Mobile store. Not pictured: The broken bodies of the paparazzi crushed by Hilton's Bentley as the two starlets escaped, the "ugly" Hilary Swank waiting to tear out Hilton's weave in revenge for publicly disrespecting her.

· Over three years later, publicist Lizzie Grubman has settled with the Conscience Point bouncer whom she called "white trash" before backing her SUV into a crowd of patrons. It reputedly only cost her a few grand. Good thing, too—now she's financially free to start that hot PR firm with hanger-on Jonathan Cheban. [Page Six]
· Actress Jennifer Aniston was spotted at LAX sans wedding rings. Coupled with the tabloid treatment of her marriage to Brad Pitt as being on the rocks, we figure...absolutely nothing. We have no idea what's going on. [R&M (3rd item)]
· Residents at Trump Parc Avenue are claiming that they're being harassed by crappy A/C and heating, dust, and broken elevators. [Lowdown]
· Lindsay Lohan ditches a fashion launch thingie to dine with ex-boyfriend Wilder Valderrama. Maybe HE was the one who found her wallet! [Page Six]

· Joel Stein's column this week is about Martha Stewart, or Susan Lyne, or about how Martha Stewart fired him... OK, we're not exactly sure what it's about, but shit, is there anyone who hasn't fired this guy? [reg. req'd.]
· "After the Ovitz Trial: Ushering in a New Era of Humility in Hollywood": Somehow, Michael Eisner driving his own rental car to the airport is a sign of a "new era of humility" in Hollywood. [reg. req'd.]
· From Bardot to Macpherson to Lohan...it's all very clear now, thanks to Gawker.
· C-list celebrity autographs make the perfect stocking stuffer.

In what is easily our most brain-melting PrivacyWatch entry to date, a reader presents an incredible account of a very special day at the T-Mobile store in Beverly Hills. Honestly, we don't know where to start: Paris Hilton's dissing of Hilary Swank? The sudden rash of celebrity Sidekick thefts? Just about the only thing that didn't happen was Catherine Zeta Jones parachuting in to save the day by frying the paparazzi throng with laser beams from her eyes.

· If you're inviting boys over to the ranch to look at some harmless porno mags, always, always remember to wipe off the fingerprints. Off the magazine, sicky.
· A Stuff magazine web page inadvertently becomes a comparative study of Tara Reid's pre- and post-surgery breasts.
· The siren call of the Mystery Booty lures journalist Seth Mnookin to his eventual doom.
· We've never seen the show, but today's entry from the blog of two contestants seems to have a lot of people excited.
· "A Conversation Between Me and Pop Sensation Lindsay Lohan, In Which She Speaks In Song Titles From Her Latest Album."
· Don't judge: The holidays can be a very lonely time, and everyone deserves a little companionship. [via Screenhead]

Our favorite Tara-Reid-In-The-Making, the multitalented Lindsay Lohan, will be appearing on the Ellen DeGeneres Show today; the good news is Lindsay's definitely not lip syncing. An unfortunate reader, however, witnessed the taping:

· Actor Kevin Connolly is the bestest boyfriend ever! When Fox gossip gimp Roger Friedman badmouths Nicky Hilton, Connolly comes to his girlfriend's defense and calls Friedman "fat." Top that, Todd Meister. [Page Six]
· The gossip columns mudwrestle over the veracity of a Lindsay Lohan/Colin Farrell hookup; yesterday Page Six said there was no truth to the item, but today Rush & Molloy claim their informant was practically under the bed. [R&M (last item)]
· A cameraman from Charlie's Angels crashes a VIP screening of The Life Aquatic just to call Bill Murray a bastard to his face. [Page Six]
· Babbo-master Mario Batali is spotted at the Spotted Pig acting "randy" with an Asian woman who is definitely not his wife. Cheating on your spouse in your own restaurant is such a clich ! [Lowdown]
· Is Michael Jackson paying his formidable legal bills? And, if not, will it ensure he's locked away from little boys all the more quickly? [Scoop]

Despite Lindsay Lohan's public re-education effort aimed at getting people to a) stop talking about her chest and b) stress that they are "real," they persist in being objects of fascination. (Our pet theory: She is the first movie star, ever, to have huge breasts. Well, at least the magical kind that grow naturally overnight.) Now, some troublemakers called Lohan Freestyle have penned a love song to America's most notorious rack, a song that will quickly overtake the internets and inevitably wind up blasting out of an Escalade near you. We already can't stop humming it.

We're not happy to tell you this, but there are breaking reports of a frightening new audio recording released on the internet. But it's our job to report these things, even when we're cowering under our desks in fear of another attack by the people who've made our lives a waking nightmare of fear these last few years.

It appears that Monday night's celebrity clusterfuck at Koi was even worse than the photos led us to believe. An operative reports on the scene:

· Did anyone else hear that the apocalypse actually went down in LA on Monday? Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, and Ashlee Simpson were caught fraternizing with Fred Durst at now-cursed eatery Koi. [JJB via Stereogum]
· A new and undeniably absurd perfume line called Bond no. 9 is offering scents based on New York neighborhoods. A Curbed reader notes that the Bowery scent smells of "old people and rotten fruit." And at only $168 a bottle, it's hard to resist! [Curbed]
· It takes forever to load, but the Star Wars Holiday Special is well worth the wait. [WOW]
· It's official: freshly-dead rapper Ol' Dirty Bastard had cocaine and tramadol (a prescription painkiller, naturally) in his system when he collapsed on November 13. We know you're already blowing rails and tipping 40s in his honor. [CNN]

If courting celebrities to confer some buzz upon your eatery or nightlife hotspot is an art, then Monday night's Hilton/Lohan/Simpson appearance at Koi was like Bob Ross taking a shit on a Jackson Pollack painting. And we're not even going to further cloud the analogy by mentioning that Fred Durst was there.

· The Fug Girls turn their fashion hate-rays on the Harry Potter kids. Isn't puberty hard enough, ladies?
· OK, hot shot, pop quiz: You're shitfaced in the VIP section of a hot NY club, and your only two choices are waking up with the stink of whiskey and cigarettes permanently soaked into your freckled skin, or escaping to drunk-dial Fez in between vomiting fits. Yeah, we'd probably take the Colin Farrell option too.
· The MPAA takes a legal poke at BitTorrent. Good luck with that, Glickman.
· Defamer Employment quickie: Minister seeking "Christian fast typist/ writing ass."
· Maria Full of Grace, a musical in brief: Maria!/I've just met a mule named Maria/And she can down a grape/My mouth was left agape/Wow-ee.

· Sketchy and currently imprisoned fundraiser Aaron Tonken exposes greedy and irresponsible celebs in his new book. Our favorite anecdote involves Liza Minnelli showing up wasted to a Recording Artists Against Drunk Driving event. [Page Six]
· One half of America's patron alcoholic duo, Barbara Bush, reportedly slipped and hit her head during a White House holiday party on Saturday. Apparently, Barbara was dancing and "dipped her head down low." Huh? Was she headbanging? Is there some hot new dance move we don't know? [R&M (2nd item)]
· Actress Brittany Murphy has moved into pop slattern Britney Spears' old Hollywood Hills home. She has kept all of Spears' original furnishings and likes it. [Page Six]
· Colin Farrell and Lindsay Lohan get the rough paparazzi treatment when leaving Compass in the early hours of Sunday morning. Later, they make sweet, sweet love. [NYDN]

· A week after exposing reality television producers as script-happy charlatans, Joel Stein goes deep inside Hollywood's secret holiday gift-giving protocols. You will never be able to see the letters VVIP again without a chill running down your spine. Trust us.
· LA.comfidential catches the very underage Mischa Barton getting shitfaced at the Flaunt party on Friday night. We're shocked—shocked!—that Barton could manage to get drunk at a party in Beverly Hills. Come on, we're not talking about a criminal genius like Lindsay Lohan here.
· And while we're invoking the name of Lohan, she popped in to "Weekend Update" to once again assure the world that her chest is real. Somewhere, there exists a publicist-drawn battle plan entitled. "Re-Educating the World About Lindsay Lohan's Absolutely Natural Breasts," and there's a check next to the action item, "Enlist Mean Girls co-stars Tina Fey and Amy Poehler in mammary damage-control efforts."
· Rhetorical question: What the fuck is wrong with people?

· Daytime lesbian Ellen DeGeneres has left her long-time girlfriend Alexandra Hedison for actress Portia De Rossi. We know De Rossi has been out of the closet for a long time now, but we still can't believe it. She's so pretty! It boggles the mind! [Page Six]
· Lindsay Lohan gets pissed at boytoy model Clarence Fuller for having a past fling with Paris Hilton. How did Lindsay find out? Paris called her, of course. Presumably via her Sidekick. [ELK]
· Hollywood Madam Heidi Fleiss is opening legal brothels in Nevada and Europe. Which we already knew and, just to reiterate, it's not as hot when it's legal. [Lowdown]
· Actress Scarlett Johansson dumps skanky Jared Leto for more-successful-but-still-skanky Yankee Derek Jeter. [R&M]