· When he's not busy harassing his ex-wife and starlet daughter to participate in his planned reality show, Michael Lohan is busy getting crashing his car and getting arrested for a DWI. Being a stage dad is such hard work, no? [R&M & AP]
· After suffering partial hearing loss and lung damage due to office construction work, former Talk staffer Elizabeth Schaper is suing the management firm and construction company responsible for the defunct mag's Chelsea office. Those companies, in turn, are suing Miramax — which means Harvey Weinstein, Tina Brown, and Ron Galotti will be testifying. The E! reenactment for this thing is going to be so awesome. [Page Six]
· Hey, did you hear about how someone hacked Paris Hilton's Sidekick? [Fox 411]
· Tara Subkoff, apparently unable to tolerate Wes Anderson's fondness for mock turtlenecks, has left the director after 2 years of artsy love. She's reportedly moved on to actor Liev Schriber. [ELK (2nd item)]
· Ben Widdicombe throws a jab at Page Six; could the Daily News be itching for another round of classic fighting? [Gatecrasher]
· Hollywood super Gew David Geffen unloads his rage on Michael Eisner and John Kerry during a Q&A at the 92nd Street Y. [Lowdown (2nd item)]

A reader reports that Lindsay Lohan's wildly overstuffed racing suit (remember, this was the "pre-exhaustion" Lohan) might not be appropriate for a family flick:

· More Lindsay Lohan family dysfunction fun time: "One bystander was outraged. Michael Lohan 'has demonstrated that he's clearly more interested in milking his daughter's success for his own financial remuneration than in being a responsible father or husband.'" Funny how that "bystander" talks exactly like a restraining order!
· "Pinot" was the top word from show business that influenced the English language last year. Quick, someone tell Paul Giamatti before he sticks his head in the oven.
· George Michael quits "dead" pop music, pop music sighs with relief that Michael will no longer be jerking off in its bathroom.[via goldenfiddle]
· If Brandon Davis swallowed Mischa Barton whole: click here to see what would happen besides a 200-percent leap in The OC's quality.
· Break out the Jello-brand pudding pops! The Coz is getting off!

The New Orleans Times-Picayune reports that Lindsay Lohan, the teen-queen hurricane currently shooting a movie in their fine city, is impressing her co-workers with her professionalism and incredible commitment to her craft:

Lindsay Lohan is piling up the gossip items down in New Orleans as fast as the tabloids can print them. This morning's Lohan round-up:

· You make the call: Is this studio trying to "test film release standards" by releasing National Lampoon's Blackball on DVD four days after its US theatrical release, or just dumping a year-and-a-half-old piece of crap into theaters because the still-hot Vince Vaughn is in the movie? [via Movie Marketing Blog]
· Ryan Seacrest can't get any respect from headline writers. C'mon, CNN, he swears he's straight!
· MILFs are so totally red hot right now.
· The NY Observer presents the lost Paris Hilton sketch that was scrapped when Hilton supposedly refused to be on stage with low-class legend Joey Buttofuoco.
· Is Lindsay Lohan hooking up with Johnny Knoxville in between Hurricane chugging contests in New Orleans?

Dear News Media,
OMG, stop talking to my dad, or I will, like, totally ruin you!

Our legal background consists entirely of helping Pakistani cabdrivers in the Washington, DC area obtain green cards (it's a long story, trust us), so we're not exactly sure what to make of the threats by Lindsay Lohan's lawyers to sue anyone in the media if they so much as think about recent accusations made by her estranged dad. Shit, we totally thought about it when we typed that sentence! Is that the doorbell ringing? Is a process server hiding in the bushes, waiting to waylay us on our afternoon trip to Starbucks? We're covering the house in tinfoil and never answering the phone again.

After how well-behaved and consummately professional Lindsay Lohan was on the set of Herbie: Fully Loaded (they only threatened to fire her once or twice!), how could anyone have anticipated that Lohan might be a handful on the location shoot for Just My Luck? The wily Lohan blindsides us all:

· Jesus, it's almost too easy. Lindsay Lohan has problems swallowing. [via Fleshbot]
· Also, Lohan's mom finally files for divorce from her restrain' order violatin', rehabbin', time servin' husband.
· Hey kids! Too young to hop a plane and help with the tsunami clean-up? Just hop on the Web and you can clean up your very own decimated beach in between episodes of Blue's Clues, courtesy of FEMA!
· What's wrong with Sundance? Hint: it runs deeper than the $50,000 celebrity gift bags.
· Johnny Carson has been sending jokes to David Letterman from his secret retirement bunker. Jay Leno, however, only receives the occasional flaming bag of dog shit.

As we present this addition to our Lindsay Lohan photo essay, which put the viewer right in the shit during her night out in New Orleans last week, we're reminded of her publicist's mantra in Page Six: "She was just there with some castmates checking out the local scene. There was no 'partying.' She had one cranberry and soda." Our photographer (a different one this time) informs us that it was fifty-cent drink night, which means that Lohan's paycheck for Just My Luck would buy 14 million drinks (not including tip). Economics practically demanded that she buy at least half that many. More photos after the jump.

Click each image to enlarge, pervs.

Thanks to the generosity of an anonymous reader, we're proud to present this photo essay of Lindsay Lohan's night out in New Orleans. Unfortunately, our shutterbug didn't catch her in the act of underage drinking (maybe all of the cameraphones scared some sense into her), but these pictures are so vivid that we can almost taste the Coors Lights and Hurricanes.

While Lindsay Lohan is partying in New Orleans during downtime from shooting Just My Luck, her publicist captions this photo for us: "She was just there with some castmates checking out the local scene. There was no 'partying.' She had one cranberry and soda."

...the only way she knows how.
[Image via CollegeHumor]

· Lindsay Lohan, the miraculously shrinking teen queen, has been spotted around Tulane's bars doing some hard partying. Naturally, her rep claims those sightings are completely untrue. Which is funny, of course, because we might've had some emails ourselves about Lindsay being a little inebriated 'round there. Who knows?! Oh, you know you do. [Page Six]
· Barbara Corcoran, head of the evil realty group by the same name, has told her clones that real estate prices will increase by 25% this year, and that she's "never been wrong." Fucking hell. [R&M (bottom)]
· Nicole Kidman wishes she were a lesbian. We can help. [IOL]
· Are more publicist fleeing the PMK/HBH powerhouse since the axe was dropped on Leslee Dart? Cindy Berger, Robert Garlock, Jill Fritzo are rumored to be following Dart to her new firm, but PMK/HBH ruler Pat Kingsley is issuing the standard denial. But doesn't no mean yes with these people? [Page Six]
· Hip-Hop mogul Russell Simmons will save us all with a downward-facing dog pose. To prove his point, he's launching a celebrity-studded infomercial on the benefits of yoga. [Lowdown (2nd item)]
· The Brad and Jen analysis continues, as a grieving public tries to figure out what went wrong. [Ted Casablancas]
· Babs: still humping after all these years. [Page Six]

Shadowy fashion player-hater Mr. Blackwell has emerged from his stylish groundhog hole to issue his 45th annual "Worst Dressed" list. (That's right, he's been at this long enough to bore our grandparents with his catty nonsense.) This year's picks are like taking a jackhammer to a bag of paralyzed kittens, as Nicolette Sheridan (she wins, she wins!), Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton (everyone together now: She wears clothes?), Britney Spears, and Paul Abdul all feel the sassy sting of his superannuated tongue. While we'd love to ignore all of this dirty business and return to important work of analyzing Brad and Jen's break-up, we do feel compelled to defend one of Blackwell's victims. He probably thought that Serena Williams showed up to every movie premiere draped in the same hairy, fleshy cape, but that was just boyfriend Brett Ratner hugging her during the red carpet photo ops.

The celebrity endorsement of certain bottles of Heinz is old news, but spotting one of those special bottles in a local bodega is still worth noting. As consumers concerned for truthful and smart marketing, we have to wonder if Lindsay Lohan is a wise choice for a bottle of ketchup. It does imply that she's eating something requiring a condiment, and, well, we suspect that's just altogether unlikely.

Back when Lindsay Lohan exploded into the national breast-obsessed consciousness by undergoing a seemingly miraculous, overnight bazooming, we never imagined we'd ever have to entertain a debate on whether she'd have an operation to make the world's most-discussed rack smaller. But such is the landscape of the so far very surprising 2005, a brave new year where we wouldn't be surprised if earth's gravity spontaneously reversed, Tom Cruise suddenly became an Orthodox Jew with a psychiatry practice, or if Andy Dick sprouted angel wings and married Michael Eisner. An operative who's seen Lohan's new-old cleavage and new-new cleavage in action takes the floor:

MSNBC's Jeannette Walls reports that Leonardo DiCaprio is joining the tsunami relief effort. Bully for him, celebrities care, etc etc. (Apparently, he's the only one harboring fond memories of The Beach). The Kabbalah Centre, meanwhile, is rushing 10,000 litres of their magical water to the tsunami victims. Rimshot coming: They've also pledged 50,000 tons of enchanted Kabbalah rubble, 400 tons of blessed Kabbalah splinters from ruined bungalows, and 15 bags of
of wet sand personally touched by Madonna.