Broadcasting & Cable previews some of NY Times reporter Bill Carter's behind-the-scenes book on the last five years in the TV business, Desperate Networks, which we're hoping will bear the somewhat unwieldy subtitle The Amazing Adventures of Scratchy Les, Purple Steve, and Zippy the Golden Boy:

If the "Return of Chef!" episode of South Park was perhaps seeking to incite a reaction from series deserter Isaac Hayes—either anger at his character's brutal death sequence or compunction after the tear-jerking eulogy coda—then it has failed. Hayes remains deafeningly mum on the episode, though "spokesperson" Amy Harnell has spoken with a number of media outlets, including MTV News, dismissing FoxNews.com's reports that Hayes' decision was coerced and that the singer is currently recuperating from a serious stroke:

NY Daily News JV gossip Lloyd Grove reports that during a recent talk at the University of Pennsylvania, director Kevin Smith told the story of one of the stranger celebrity bathroom couplings now on record, one between Silent Bob partner-in-crime Jay Mewes and skeletal Simple Life personage Nicole Richie:

Like waking up from a gutshot-induced coma to find your loving family assembled at your bedside and your taste of the Colombian bloodbath nearby in a fat manila envelope, the weekend box office numbers:

· We bid farewell to Chef. But the facts make us wonder if leaving was his own decision.
· The Pellicanist: Will Bert Fields be "Queen for a Day?" And now that Brad Grey is linked again (see confusing chart), are his days at Paramount numbered?
· Tom Cruise still milking his career-ending moment for all its worth.
· Hollywood assistants eavesdrop their way to the top...
· ...but there can only be one Lord of the Beerpongs.
· All subsequent viewings of Brokeback Mountain to be tainted by thoughts of Randy Quaid's $10 million cameo asking price.
· Snakes on a Plane poster revealed in all its literal glory. Meanwhile, New Line catches up to the buzz and orders a round of R-rated reshoots.
· Jennifer Aniston decides sniffing Brad's old clothes when she gets lonely isn't the greatest idea.
· Charlie Sheen is convinced 9/11 was an inside job.
· Star Jones: Before and (almost) hereafter.
· This is what $3.6 million worth of teen sex looks reads like.
· The Week in Crazy: Sharon Stone likes to put her co-stars at ease by screaming at the top of her lungs, while Paula Abdul blames Simon.

· We don't believe for a second that the Church of Scientology is buying Neverland Ranch, but it's fun to think about how Michael Jackson's llamas might fare in an auditing session. [pic via Cityrag]
Things are really going downhill fast for the Brokeback crew, aren't they? E-cards? Really now? Next up: Jack and Ennis emoticons for your forbidden IM love notes. [via Collider]
· Terror at 30,000 feet has never been so tasty: Snakes on a Plane with a Donut.
Fun facts about the M:i:III logo: "Total Scrabble value � 7...Roman numerals suggested by title � 1000, 1, 3...Ratio of characters in written title to syllables when title is spoken aloud � 7:3"
Richard Belzer's dog has a MySpace profile.

Friday
· Friday night music situation: Beth Orton and Willy Mason at Avalon; Guster at The Roxy; Asobi Seksu at Spaceland; Taylor Hawkins and the Coattail Riders at the Viper Room.
· Filter Music Appreciation Night at the MOCA features a DJ set by Jimmy Tamborello of The Postal Service and a preview of the new Flaming Lips album. And booze. Make sure to RSVP, or spend your evening wandering downtown looking for Brad Renfro.
Saturday
· It's A Sounds Eclectic Evening at the Gibson Amphitheatre, with Goldspot, Feist, Death Cab for Cutie, Sia, Ben Harper, Gomez, and an after-party with Z-Trip on the decks. And yes, we feel slightly ridiculous using the phrase "on the decks."
· Our pals at WriteGirl are having a reading for their budding teenage literary stars at Dutton's in Beverly Hills at 2 p.m. Take a break from the tournament and check it out.
Sunday
· The Silver Lake Film Festival kicked off Thursday night, but it's running through next Friday, and you really aren't going to waste your Sunday moviegoing time on Larry The Cable Guy Presents Red State Pandering, are you? You know, unless you're high and wander into the wrong theater.
· We can't say for sure how Sunday will turn out, but we think it's feeling like a Minimalist Jukebox kind of day.

Before we lose any more of this oppressively beautiful, completely typical LA afternoon, let's get to your blind item answers. But first, flip through your blue books and re-check your work on One Slurplicious Blind Vice:

After hearing about Randy Quaid's lawsuit against Brokeback Mountain's producers claiming that the actor's love of independent cinema was taken advantage of to lower his quote and cheat him out of millions, Bat Boy: The Musical co-author Brian Flemming dropped us a note to point out that Quaid once loved indie films so much he wouldn't even joke about the low-budget world at the 1999 Independent Spirit Awards. Says Flemming:

We must admit, Randy Quaid's lawsuit made us lonesome for the good ol'Brokeback Mountain days, when the Jake and Heath posts came in bushels and bloggers grew rich off the fat of the gay-cowboy-joke land. Sadly, things have slowed to a near trickle since the Oscars, though we can always rely on supreme Brokeback chronicler Towleroad for a nugget here and there, such as this eBay auction for Jack Twist's truck:

Today's NY Times again draws embattled Paramount emperor Brad Grey into the Anthony Pellicano Wiretapping Trial of the Century, reporting that the "first direct evidence" of how the eavesdroppingest PI in Hollywood used his illicitly gained information to benefit his clients has been introduced in the case—in this instance, how wiretapped conversations between screenwriter Bo Zenga and his lawyer may have helped Grey's attorney defend against Zenga's suit. (We're not even going to bother to explain, especially when the Times so helpfully put together this handsome chart.)

Hollywood PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers. Send yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put sighting or PrivacyWatch in the subject line) and let everyone know that Jodie Foster has a Starbucks problem.

It's time once again to lavish this week's sponsors' feet with a variety of scented oils in recognition of their important contributions to our cause. If you'd like to advertise on Defamer and get in line for a vigorous foot-worship session, see this page.

· Most unintentionally homoerotic opening line ever for a trade story on the weekend's movie releases: "Can Spike Lee manhandle Larry the Cable Guy?" [Variety]
· Thank You For Smoking director Jason Reitman (whom we just heard humbly tell Adam Carolla that his film's limited-release opening weekend was in the top 50 in per-theater average all-time, but neglect to mention his batting average with a man on second and less than two outs) and his partner sign a two-year first-look deal with Fox Searchlight. [THR]
Samuel L. Jackson gets right to work squandering some of his Snakes on a Plane buzz by agreeing to narrate a Bob Saget-produced documentary parody of March of the Penguins, Farce of the Penguins. Were those guys who remake movies with their thumbs too busy to get to this target first? [Variety]
Has it really come to this for Patricia Heaton? The Everybody Loves Raymond wife is in talks to host a The View-style daytime talk show. Still, it's better than discussing the quality of Albertson's steaks in those commercials. [THR]
Woody Harrelson as the gay, 50-year-old incarnation of American Gigolo's iconic man-whore? That's kind of genius. [Variety]

Is there any greater perk to living in LA than access to the occasional celebrity yard sale? There is not. Project Runway's resident Rasputin, Santino Rice (who deserved to win, if for nothing else, contributing "Where's Andrae?" to the popular lexicon), will be having a massive moving sale this weekend, and we thought we'd help get the word out. Breathe easy, Fantinos—he's not leaving LA.

Because no blemish, eruption, shaving mishap, ingrown hair, minor laceration, or any other maxillofacial impact with potentially chilling cosmetic consequences for one of Hollywood's most perfect faces must go unreported, we give you this claim—and immediate publicist denial—of the alleged, tragic bruising of Brad Pitt:

Middle-aged, single women rejoice: Your video game prayers have been answered. A Desperate Housewives game will be on store shelves by September, and it will be packed with all the juicy things the very gender-progressive industry knows you've been craving in an interactive experience:

Wherein we invite our readers to submit themselves to the relentless, nonsensical cross-examination of humpy E! gossip-prosecutor Ted Casablanca and guess the identity of his weekly blind item. Get excited, for while Ted returns to the exploits of one of his most cherished characters, these antics involve both the consumption of cocaine and same-sex canoodlings. Pump your fist in time to One Slurplicious Blind Vice:

Now that the warm glow of three Oscar wins (and the bitter sting of one huge loss) is finally fading into memory, it's time for those involved in Brokeback Mountain to start suing each other for pieces of the movie's unexpected financial success. Brokeback supporting player Randy Quaid, who played the grizzled ranch boss whose employment opportunities brought together tragic lovers Jack and Ennis, is first out of the gate with a suit claiming the actor was misled into thinking that the movie was just a lil' old gay cowboy tone poem with little chance of scaring up any profits, thus depressing the asking price for his services. Reports Variety:

· Still more SoaP mania: The Snakes on a Plane Quote Tracker is soliciting more fan-generated dialogue that must be included in the movie. Right now it's a little heavy on the Airplane! references and motherfucker jokes, but we bet that'll even out.
Without US Weekly, K-fed's lyrical inspiration would probably be limited to rhymes about his old lady bitching about forgetting to change the shorty's diapers.
· Seriously, though, that sculpture of Britney will haunt our dreams for years to come.
We've always thought that Grape Guzzling Sluts VIII would be a great name for a wine.
· Now presenting Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Richie, and Paris Hilton in The Quest for More Blow, courtesy of Chevy, The Apprentice, and the deliberate misuse of stupid promotional technology.