Defamer brother site Fleshbot shares their review of a spunk-filled tribute to a blockbuster that hasn't even been released yet. That's right— The Da Vinci Load may offer even more Vatican ire-raising intrigue and thrills than its source material. A synopsis:

There is absolutely nothing that we could write about the above sculpture, artist Daniel Edwards' "Monument to Pro-Life: The Birth of Sean Preston," that could possibly top the prose in this section of the press release:

· Another truly outstanding music round-up: Clap Your Hands Say Yeah at the El Rey; Arab Strap at Knitting Factory; Metric at the Henry Fonda.
· Audioslave/RATM guitar god Tom Morello hosts Rock & Roll Bingo at Crane's Hollywood Tavern, a socially conscious spin on everyone's favorite church basement pastime.
· The Dave Hill Explosion offers up special guest Kyle Gass of Tenacious D and even more super-special guest Ronnie James Dio (fucking Dio, dude!) for human sacrifice at the UCB Theatre. Wear your best flamethrowing codpiece. (OK, we know that's Blackie Lawless' thing, but wear it anyway.)

As we continue to mourn the graphic, bowel-evacuated passing of beloved South Park character Chef on last night's premiere, and, by extension, blow a goodbye kiss to the last vestiges of Isaac Hayes' free will in the process, troubling clues continue to trickle in suggesting something about the delayed reaction of the star's departure just doesn't smell right. FoxNews.com quoted an Onion A.V. Club interview in which Hayes said he wasn't warned about the episode beforehand, but he laughs it off, saying, "[I] understand what they're doing. I told them to take a couple of Scientology courses, and understand what we do." Now, a much talked about exchange between a caller and Hayes on the Opie and Anthony XM satellite radio show last December has been made available by FoundryMusic.com. A transcript:

We're sure it's just a coincidence that we came across two notices for potential E! shows on today's Craigslist job listings, and that the network, no matter how frugal it may be, hasn't fired its entire casting department in favor of these more cost-effective online solicitations:

TMZ.com's web-enabled stalkerazzi have continued their crusade against the scourge of underage drinking at clubs in Hollywood Boulevard's storied Morality Corridor, capturing video of a bust at celeb-infested boozehole Mood late last night while trolling for evidence of the sub-21 celebrity set entering the bar. They did get footage of 19-year-old, famous-esque Laguna Beach personality Kristin Cavallari, as well as some of a 17-year-old (pictured at left) being led away in handcuffs for sneaking into the club with fake ID. Reports TMZ:

Last week's stunning $3.6 million fine of CBS for its now-infamous Without a Trace "teen orgy scene" has other network executives crapping their collective pants in fear, as they realize that the venerated practice of using some primetime-boundary-pushing sex for an easy Nielsen spike may have expensive consequences. Today, the NY Times reports that The WB has willingly self-censored the first episode of its soon-to-premiere series The Bedford Diaries (the first time we'd ever heard of the show—if this is a publicity stunt, nice job! It's working.), banishing the slightly racier, lesbian-lite version to their web site:

We still have trouble looking at Jack Nicholson without having terrifying flashbacks to the moment he crowned Crash this year's Best Picture, but as he appears to have moved on with his life, so, we suppose, should we. Last night, Jack held up daughter Jennifer's LA fashion week show for nearly an hour, but he eventually showed, avoiding any echoes of missed gradeschool holiday pageant disappointments past:

Viacom CEO Tom Freston says Paramount is considering co-production of movies in Bollywood. Should that plan yield positive results, Freston said he wouldn't rule out buying one of their studios and laying off some employees to really explore the potential of the Indian market. [Variety]
Not even Oscar winners can escape the pull of pilot season: Marcia Gay Harden is cast in ABC's drama pilot, Drift, playing the Dr. Melfi role for the series' insomniac detective protagonist. [THR]
Finally, an agency purchase! Sure, it's no UTA-Endeavor or ICM-Endeavor, but Gersh's acquisition of the sports management firm Steve Feldman and Associates is...really boring, actually. Nevermind. [Variety]
· Spike TV finds its old, cursive logo insufficiently "manly," and will debut a new one in May, featuring bolder block lettering tattooed onto an erect penis with a prominent Prince Albert piercing. [THR]
Because there is perhaps no activity more dramatic and telegenic than feverishly typing away on a laptop, MTV picks up an Apprentice-style reality series where writers vie against one another for a staff position at Rolling Stone. [Variety]

Paula Abdul has set the record straight on her non-stop freak parade of emotionally erratic behavior and incoherent stream of consciousness ramblings: It was not, as it turns out, the byproduct of her penchant for crushed Klonopin-rimmed margaritas, but in fact just Simon Cowell being a mischievous little gremlin. Now that that's all settled, let's all just sit back, relax, and breathe in the crazy:

Colombia's president can order its army to stand down, as onetime action hero/hotheaded drug czar Bruce Willis has called off a US attack of the South American nation to cripple the illegal cocaine trade. He tells Rush & Molloy:

Today's Hollywood Reporter delves into the phenomenon of Snakes on a Plane's still-growing pre-release buzz, which has elevated the once-languishing turnaround project with a "stupid title" to beloved fanboy event movie. In fact, New Line seems so in tune with the internet chatter (amazing that this is the same studio that gave us Virtual Paul Walker going down on his digital wife, isn't it?) that they shot five days of additional footage, which they claim is to push the movie deeper into R-rated territory, but will also include more nods to SoaP's online fanbase:

It would have been tough for South Park to top the Scientology-bashing of "Trapped in the Closet," the episode that started the whole fracas in the first place. They may have succeeded, however, with their much anticipated season premiere, titled "The Return of Chef!" As has been reported just about everywhere, Isaac Hayes, the voice of Chef and a longtime Scientologist, released a damning statement just weeks ago, announcing that he was abruptly quitting the series after nine seasons. A FoxNews.com report then suggested that Hayes has been recovering from a stroke and that this "decision" was made for him. The plot (spoilers if you haven't seen it yet) accounts for either circumstance: It follows a thoroughly brainwashed Chef returning from an extended absence during which he traveled the world with the Super Adventure Club—a group of monocled and mustachioed Col. Mustard types who just happen, it turns out, to enjoy raping the local children they encounter on safari. Chef speaks in mostly crudely patched-together dialogue, expressing in various ways his desire to "get in kids' butts." If that's not enough of a dishonorable sendoff for the beloved character, then there's the protracted death sequence that culminates in a Grizzly Man-inspired scenario. In the end, however, is this heartfelt eulogy delivered by Kyle:

So pervasive is the sense of unease that still lingers on Paramount's Melrose lot that a brief phone outage early yesterday evening prompted e-mails from our operatives speculating that the service interruption was caused by an alien takeover, or, perhaps even more amusingly, studio head Brad Grey's failure to pay the phone bill. (We've heard he's a micromanager, but that's ridiculous—it's far more likely he laid off the guy in charge of paying the bill.) Things seem to be in working order this morning (at least the DreamWorks robot who replaced the previous automated Paramount operator was answering), so either the alien putsch went smoothly after that initial telecommunications hiccup, or someone finally settled up the phone account. Everyone can return to their cubicles today with the exact same worries they had yesterday morning.

What's the best way for fans of beloved, perpetually limbo-occupying series Arrested Development to get news about the show's fate? Bump into star Jason Bateman on the street in Toronto and just ask him what the hell is going on with the rumored Showtime-sponsored resurrection.Television Without Pity eminence Glark relates his encounter with Bateman on the site's AD message board:

Showbiz TV magazine Extra—the one where host Mark McGrath tries his hardest to muster some Mary Hart-style enthusiasm reading banal copy, while he's actually thinking, "God, I miss all the rock star pussy"—was paid a visit by Eva Longoria. She stopped by to set the record straight on some eyebrow-raising jaguarisms attributed to her in a recent Allure interview:

If you have nothing better to do Sunday afternoon (we should warn your taxes, laundry, and attending to foot callouses might all qualify as "better"), VH1 Classics will be airing one of Germany's greatest contributions to the one-hit-wonder pop pantheon, Nena's "99 Luftballons," for an entire hour. It was a special request made by a generous bidder during their "Pay To Play for Hurricane Katrina Relief" fundraising campaign:

· Too many great options music round-up: Earlimart at King King, Tapes N Tapes at Spaceland. Also not too shabby: Snow Patrol at the Troubadour and High Violets at the Silverlake Lounge.
· LAT Magazine senior editor Martin Smith signs OOPS: 20 Life Lessons from the Fiascoes That Shaped America at Book Soup. Too current for inclusion (we assume): Crash's Best Picture win.
The Catholic school survivor in us is ashamed to even read the title of The Catholic Girl's Guide to Losing your Virginity at the Hudson Theater. We're gripping our rosary beads ever tighter just reading the words.

It's been nine days since George Clooney supposedly entered the blogosphere as a proud liberal, seven days since The Envelope broke the story that Clooney did not actually author the blog post that bore his name (and the subsequent removal of the offending fauxblog), and five days since Arianna Huffington apologized to her readers for ClooneyGate. Still, the scandal that won't die refuses to...die...as The Envelope today once again challenges Huffington on her version of How George Clooney's Unattributed Quotes Became A Blog. Their report is long and complicated enough to resist easy blockquoting, but here's a taste anyway: