In honor of Sharon Stone's courageous contribution to the pantheon of ridiculously bad movies gay men will quote frequently, we offer a round-up of today's scathing Basic Instinct 2 reviews :
Two big-shot attorneys from Scary Hollywood Lawyer Bert Fields' firm might be stuffing seven of their colleagues into a cardboard box and slipping out to start a new, less suspicion-riddled practice, reports today's LAT. But just because the timing makes them seem like they're trying to sneak away before a much-rumored indictment of firm partner Fields can be handed down in connection with the Anthony Pellicano Wiretapping Trial of the Century doesn't mean they think anything bad is going to happen to their soon-to-be ex-colleagues. Says the Times:
As if being magically held afloat by her most recent surgical enhancements, nothing seems to bring Hollywood's favorite daddy's girl Tori Spelling down. With her new self-mocking series so noTORIous premiering this Sunday on VH1, today's LAT profiles the much maligned actress, with her showrunners practically falling all over themselves heaping their star with praise:
Wherein we invite our readers to allow humpy E! gossip-alchemist Ted Casablanca to transform their leaden minds into gold by puzzling over the identity of his weekly blind item. This week, Ted strays from the "straight actor is secretly gay" dirt, but still manages to squeeze in some anal sex. Flip over for One Tuchis-Time Blind Vice:
It's a sad Friday around the celebrity-obsessed ghettos of the internet, as two of Hollywood's finest actors have launched a jihad against the online world. Today's Page Six reports that George Clooney (i.e. his angry publicist) has hatched a master plan to neutralize sister site Gawker's newly Google Map-enhanced Stalker feature (PrivacyWatch, we assure you, will remain untainted, since we assume that a good 40 percent of it is submitted by sneaky PR staffers anyway) by flooding it with fake sightings, a plan Clooney's evil spokesman has shared with his flacky peers:
· We're guessing that Naomi Campbell is going to get the typical slap on the wrist for her misbehavior, probably nothing more severe than a "The More You Know" PSA on NBC informing the public that no matter how much you think your housekeeper's asking for it, going upside her head with a telephone is a bad idea.
· No one, no matter how hardcore a Samuel L Jackson fan, should recommend that you take snakes on an actual plane. But if you're thinking about it, at least inquire about the reptile transport policy of your preferred carrier ahead of time.
· We will not even attempt to explain why you need to watch this video. The reason will become apparent about five seconds in.
· The Superbulge will not only be available in 3D, it will be a hundred feet wide. Be very afraid
With writers devoting so many column inches to chronicling Sharon Stone's triumphant, middle-age-be-damned return to full-frontal nudity in Basic Instinct 2, it's important that we don't forget the infamous scene that made her a star, back when the sight of the actress vigorously bouncing on top of a co-star as if her career depended on it excited rather than vaguely depressed us. Even 14 years later, Stone seems like she still hasn't made peace with her greatest contribution to cinema:
· LACMA celebrates its 40th anniversary by throwing a huge party—a bash, if you will—that's going all night, with a variety of DJs, music, and a couple of film screenings—including Crash, but you should be able to avoid seeing it without too much problem.
· Some Thursday night music: John Doe presents Howe Gelb at Largo; The Slow Signal Fade at The Troubadour; Deadboy and the Elephantmen at Spaceland; Controlling the Famous at Knitting Factory.
· Director Tiffany Shlain premieres her short film, The Tribe ("An unorthodox, unauthorized history of the Jewish people and the Barbie doll...in about 15 minutes") at the Egyptian, with the obligatory hott Q&A action after the screening.
You really shouldn't be all that surprised. When every other TV show has a character updating their own "blog," the next logical step was the clever marketing ploy of having them wear the hat of "wire entertainment reporter," putting them on the "hard news beat" of promoting their own shows, and assigning them the playful existential dilemma of interviewing their "creator." The only hitch in this case is that Mr. Cohen, as we well know, is a character of the highest moral integrity—it seems rather out of character that he'd subject himself to lobbing softball questions along the lines of "What's hot in 'The O.C.' right now?" Of course, this form of viral marketing is still new, and there's going to be some kinks. We imagine they'll be worked out by the time Teri Hacher sits down with her Desperate Housewives character Susan Mayer for a tearful recounting of her years of childhood sexual abuse.
Reminding us once again that they almost certainly have a videotape of the former Friends star sodomizing a burlap sack full of defenseless, three-legged kittens that allows them to be your one-stop shop for all Matt LeBlanc-related breaking news, the National Enquirer goes live with a World! Exclusive! on the divorce papers that the actor is reportedly filing today in a Los Angeles court. There are no details about the reasons for the split, but we imagine that things around the LeBlanc household have been pretty tense ever since his wife had to read his hilarious blow-by-blow of what his imaginary, scandal-averting lapdance was like.
· The Apple (Beatles) vs. Apple (computers) tradmark trial began yesterday, with the record label scoring a shocked and appalled gasp from all in attendance by pointing out the incredibly damning fact that the iTunes store sells Coldplay's music. This one's over before it really begins. [Variety]
· Studios are either abandoning or cutting back on production of movies in the UMD (think: wee DVDs) format that only plays on Sony's PSP portable gaming device. The MPAA is already thinking about adopting the piracy-resistant media that no one can be bothered to use for next year's Oscar screeners. [THR]
· Might Variety be condescending just a tiny little bit to Sumner Redstone offspring Shari? "With daddy in the front row, Shari Redstone was front and center Wednesday, describing her growing role at Viacom and CBS to a Gotham media confabc." [Variety]
· ESPN is the HBO of the Sports Emmys, scoring 45 (!) nominations. [THR]
· Amazed that he could create a hit for Fox that doesn't involve an overblown talent show, C-listers on ice-skates, or the destabilization of families through wife-swapping, NBC Universal Television Studio ties up House creator David Shore with a two-year overall deal. [Variety]
Britney Spears' long journey from sitting on her couch putting away Nutter Butters to the small screen is finally over tonight, when she makes her much anticipated guest appearance on Will & Grace. It's a canny move on the part of both parties, with Britney netting some mainstream exposure that doesn't involve her mistaking Sean Preston for a driver's side airbag, and W&G getting, well, some viewers. Still, stunt celebrity casting can be an iffy proposition: There's never any guarantee that your beloved gay pop icon can actually deliver the comic goods. (See: Madonna, Tone-deaf line readings by.) Happily, W&G show runner Gary Janetti tells USA Today, that wasn't the case this time around:
While Tom Cruise is still doing his stretches to prepare for the long and arduous process of alienating what's left of his fanbase during the run-up to Mission: Impossible 3, Paramount might be facing a more immediate PR problem for its coming blockbuster, as stuntman Steven Scott Wheatley is suing the studio (and a host of others involved in the movie, including Cruise/Wagner Productions) for burns he suffered during a botched explosion, which, quite sadly, involve a claimed loss of sexual function:
Normally, we couldn't care less about Broadway...but how fucking adorable does David Schwimmer look in his sailor suit? We bet his castmates can barely restrain themselves from pinching his cheeks every time he salutes them onstage. We really, really hope that someone casts him in the stage version of The Right Stuff, just so we can see him in an astronaut costume.
First came the alarming National Enquirer report that internet love guru Star Jones had nearly bled to death during a routine breast lift procedure. Then Star herself called into The View from her recovery bed to play the story down, as her co-hosts listened attentively, trying their best to hide their mild disappointment. But a 911 call obtained by NY Daily News JV gossip Lloyd Grove indicates the Enquirer might have been right after all:
Today's LAT reports that game of contractual chicken between jilted Universal, who still had another 10 months or so left on former studio head Stacey Snider's deal, and Paramount, who recently hired her away to run newly acquired DreamWorks, may be ending today:
· Snakes on a FAQ: "Q: How did this movie ever get made?
A: We'd imagine the pitch for the movie went something like this:
Writer: 'It's a movie with Samuel L. Jackson...'
Studio Exec: 'What's it called? What's it about?'
Writer: 'Snakes on a Plane. Snakes on a Plane.'
Studio Exec: 'I like your moxie. Sold.' (Sprinkling millions of dollars onto table) 'Now, who do I have to blow around here to get some coke injected into the tip of my cock?'"
· Chuck Klosterman reviews* Chinese Democracy.
· Oh, how we love the Kittenpants: "Q: What's the difference between an onion and Kevin Federline? A: Nobody cries when you cut open Kevin Federline." Well, maybe noboy but the baby Jesus, but he cries about everything.
· When it's Rosie O'Donnell vs. Star Jones, it's pretty impossible to choose sides.
[*Please don't e-mail us about this item until you read to the very bottom of the review. Yes, we get it.]
